My story is a mixture of fear, molestation, anger, frustration, strength, etc etc..
It all started when I was around 12 years. I felt a hand touching me places while I was sleeping. I would wake up midnight to that dirty feeling realising that it was my own dad. I know it’s going be difficult for some of you to accept this but that’s how life is.
I somehow avoided that feeling sometimes thinking that it’s a myth. May be I am hallucinating or may be it’s just a loving touch which I am misunderstanding.
But one night things went beyond my imagination, no he didn’t rape me but what he did was sufficient for me to understand that I am not safe.
Next morning I packed my bag and left for I don’t know where. I had about 50rs in my pocket. I smoked a few cigarettes whole day (that was first time I smoked). I had no where to go at the age of like 13. Finally I told one of my friends about why am I out of my house. She and her mother gave me courage to speak to my mother. For a while she understood me, she spoke to Dad about this. They had some conversation whole night that I have no clue about.
Finally, next morning she started explaining me how stupid I am to think this about my dad. How bad I am to misunderstand my father.
That day I lost all hopes. I spoke with my friend regarding this and we discussed this matter with one of our friends who was elder than us. He explained me that I can not move out of house till I am 18. So next 5yrs were spent in wait of turning 18 and moving out.
Fast track few years when I was 16. One night Dad came home late and assumed mom is asleep. He entered my room and mom saw him touching me. A huge fight happened between them that night.
Mom and dad filled for divorce and got one easily coz mom told him to sign the papers of mutual consent otherwise she will drag him to court with the actual reason. After getting divorce my dadi and bua did not allow my dad to enter there respective houses because they knew a person who could do this to his own daughter could do this to anyone.
The house we stay in belongs to my mom. So Dad came back apologizing and my brother and sister who were pretty young to understand anything tried there best to convince my mom.
Mom got convinced and forgave dad. And yeah, to let you know she is not any weak women. In all other matters she is pretty strong, self dependent, etc etc. She is a modern women but only when she wants to be.
So now dad was again staying with us.
Meanwhile I got a boyfriend. Honestly it wasn’t love it was just my emptiness getting filled. Mom was pretty strict. I didn’t have a cell phone while all my friends had one. I was never allowed to even go to nearby market with my friends. So it was pretty easy for mom to discover about my affair.
Everytime she would come to know about my affair, she would beat me, call me names, put me under house arrest for few weeks. I know she was just trying to protect me from earning a bad image in society but after loosing that one emotional support system I had, I started smoking a lot.
Days passed by, months passed by and I cleared my 12th. I picked up a job as I knew I soon had to move out of house. As I had decided I would once I turn 18.
Even while I was working I wasn’t given a cell phone as mom was afraid of me having an affair or something.
I stayed with them for an year while working and as a promise I always handed over my salary to mom. It was not a very big amount but it gave me happiness to give my salary to her.
So when finally I had to move out I had no savings at all.
But still god helped me. I walked out and stayed at different places. Everytime I would get an apartment, buy furniture, spend money to make it a home. All of a sudden mom would appear from somewhere and force me to come back home. She would promise that Dad would not stay with us.
But that wouldn’t happen. I would leave the apartment, sell off furniture at low cost and return. And then fights would began at home coz dad won’t leave.
This all continued for 4yrs and I couldn’t study because of all this mess going on.
Finally I met a guy that I started dating and because I wanted to end this mess that I was going through I gave into marriage very quickly.
I took no time at all to know this guy better. The love he showed me in a few weeks was just enough for me, because I was never loved before.
After my marriage I found out that he is addicted to betting, not only him but his dad and brother as well were addicted to betting.
He had a habbit of using abusive language if he was angry.
He would hit me badly at times.
I was pregnant when my mom in law had slip disk so I left my well paying job at American Express. I looked after her with all love and affection. All I was trying to do is build a relation with his family that I never had with mine. With God’s grace my mom in law got in a better position health wise and my brother in law’s marriage got fixed.
Now meanwhile, my husband’s luck wasn’t working in betting so his family decided to get rid of him. They wanted us to move out of house, and I denied. My mom in law started treating me badly so that I agree to move out of the house. While in pregnancy I was asked to wake up at 6 in the morning, and do all the household chores as they had fired the maid. I would do that. Do cleaning, take bath, do Pooja, make breakfast for everyone, do dishes, do dusting, then prepare lunch, send tiffin to my sister in law who was around 4months pregnant while I was 6months pregnant.
During this I was diagnosed with typhoid but my mom in law did not allow me to get admitted to hospital. Because of this my typhoid reached level 2 while I was 7th month pregnant now. My health got really bad when my husband finally gathered courage to take me to hospital. I stayed in hospital for about a month.
I came back from hospital and my brother in law’s wedding preparations were going on.
The day he got married we had to move out of house the very next day. While I was trying my level best to convince my in laws that they should let us stay in the house at least till my delivery so that I can resume my job when we move out. My husband did not support me and just blindly believed his mother.
We moved out and I had to pick up a job soon after my delivery. I would have to leave my daughter at my mother’s place to go to work and pick her up in night while coming back.
His betting, abusing started creating too many fights between us. He would beat me badly.
One fine day I picked my daughter and walked out. I had to stay at my mom’s place (yes the same place I had once left). For around 5months I stayed there and we went through counselling in women cell. He apologized and I thought of giving him a chance. One of the reason for giving him another chance was also that something inside me was not comfortable at my mom’s house. Sometimes she would bring up past and taunt me for various things.
So I went back with him, since then I have tried my level best to drag him out of betting. I gave him money twice to start different business but because of his betting no business would be successful. I got him a car on installments, to be attached with OLA cabs. He would drive it for a few days, then make excuses and this continued for a year. Today my daughter is 5yrs and till date I have been single handedly bearing all her expenses, I have been clearing off the debt that he takes for market after loosing in betting, I have been looking after my mom in law’s medical expenses sometimes because by now even my father in law has lost everything in betting.
I gave him a final warning by giving a 6months period to get a job no matter how less the salary is.
But things started getting even worse.
So I have again walked out of that house with my daughter just 11 months back, because his betting, abusing and beating was increasing day by day.
The divorce case in going on should be finalised soon.
Whenever I look at him I can notice the pain in his eyes, I know he cries for me. He comes to meet our daughter and apologises for the past but is doing nothing to change
I am not going to give in to this again. Our love is not as important as our daughter’s future.
I still have a hope that somehow god is going to support me one day. One day there will be a sunshine. There will be.