Dedication: Dedicated to people who have made wrong decisions.. but think of relapsing and choosing themselves over others.
Grown up in a society where i had to give up my desires of marrying someone whom i love, and especially race and caste mattered even if they agreed. I’m just another brown girl to a family that cared about the socio-religous norms more than staying secular, independent and out-spoken.
And for once i gave up.. I gave up on my relationship, my independent life for my parents, cause i wanted to see what makes them feel happy! I wasn’t wanting to be a selfish b-tch after all… I meant the whole world to them. And thus ‘Me choosing them over everything that defined me’ made them winners. They held their head up high, as if i was born to make them happy.. and eventually the society. None believed (society) how perfect is this going.. the disciplined Indian daughter.. do really exist!
Months later, I could only sense a ruined future… out of everything i did. And by that “everything i did” meaning i am into this marriage phase, feeling all selfless and ruthless to my conscience, wondering is this what i signed in for when i wanted my parents to be happy. I could feel that intensity how bad of a person i was becoming into.
When you know your decisions were not your decisions, no love does wonder, because that devours all goodness and spreads the toxicity evenly. You know you’re not you when you try to fit in a wrong size of shoe.. I realized that this needed to be stopped.. As a person.. i choose happy for me.. I chose free. I explained my self out.. And i yelled how bad of a decision i made… I was emptying my thoughts for a good cause now. To set me free from a far fetched ruined reality. I knew it would cost me a handful of damage and destruction cause souls were involved.. But will that do any good.. if i managed to stay making me calm down.. and accept my reality. Its going to get worsen everyday.
I gave up on the only thing that made my parents happy.. After all, my life had to be lived by me.. I dont know how my decisions could alter-ego me later and i could take my life for it. I had to take a stand.. which no one thought i had the balls for.. But i did. Its never too LATE.. thats the message here.
Its three months now.. i have left my parents isolated with enough time to get over with this relapse. I have left all the privilege that i carried with me, cause thats not who i am.. and that I look more fair to me now. The society has forgotten my family this time during rakshabandhan.. due to this evil thing that happened in my family this year. Thats what they think.. i did evil, cause i chose living my life like i wanted, more fairer, being a self reliant and independent person.
And guess what hurts me the most at this moment.. my family is devastated and worried.. cause no body asked how they were doing, and its Rakshabandhan today. I could see the people who celebrated the joys together before.. Now choose to ignore my family, cause this evil they say “An independent Women who makes her own decisions” shouldnt come following their homes too.
I ordered online a pack of all my favorite rakshabandhan sweets with a rakhi for my bother.. But i couldnt make a call to mom.. Cause i know how devastated she is.. that im not there with them. I chose to write my heart out here… i wanted to be listened..
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Photo credit: Image courtesy of the storyteller.