It wasn’t your fault

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to rape.

It’s hard to believe I’d ever have a story to tell. Some days it’s easier and some days I’d feels like this crushing weight on my body. Today Is the first anniversary of my story. A year ago today I was Just a girl. Just a girl who loved life and loved her intimate life. But just like any little girl something comes along and takes that away. A year ago today I walked into my boyfriends home a place where I felt safe. I remember drinking with him and his two friends and at the time it seemed like any other night until it wasn’t. It all started outside in his driveway we were drinking and hanging out. My boyfriend had a dog and he decided to let her come out and visit. This was normal and he did this often. As she came out she greeted us that’s when I looked down at friend A he leg was covered in blood. At first I thought she cut him maybe with a nail and wanted to help I went to touch it and my boyfriend snapped at me almost In a jealous rage that I was touching his friend. I was confused and didn’t know what I had done wrong. I later found out she was on her period and friend A was ok. That was the first part of the night that seemed to Just go down from there. We continued drinking and they wanted to smoke but it wasn’t my thing so I decided to go inside. My boyfriend then followed me into his bedroom and began to kiss me. In the beginning It felt ok but then i felt these black outs. In…out….in…out. And before I new it we had begun Intercourse. He was drunk as well. It wasn’t but only 15 seconds I looked at the door way where I saw friend B standing. He held his phone and camera with the light on. In that instant and started screaming stop over and over and over again screaming there was someone there. By boyfriend got up and ran after him. I laid there crying as friend B’s phone played over the Bluetooth speaker over and over all I heard was me screaming nooo stop nooo stop and it was this feeling of terror. Replaying over and over in my head. It was then I heard my boyfriend beating the crap out of friend B in the drive way. Yelling at him to delete the video. Friend A came in to calm and down he kept telling me lay down and started rubbing my thighs. In that moment I couldn’t react to how it made me uncomfortable but Just the situation that happened before. It was then friend B drove off drunk and beaten. His mom ran down and I thought maybe she would comfort me but she didn’t she yelled at my boyfriend for letting friend B drive home drunk because we were under age. That night I fell asleep confused and scared. But when I woke up it was as if my mind made me forget it like it wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. It wasn’t till weeks later that I started to really think about it. So many questions ran through my mind. Was it my fault I shouldn’t of been drinking. Was i awake did I know what was going on or did I convince myself I did because he was my boyfriend and he loves me. I didn’t know how to feel and sometimes I still dont. It has now been a year and me and my boyfriend have broken up since then. Over time I have found a new boyfriend and it took me awhile to be fully comfortable with intimate connection. And I hate to admit it but I still love my ex and for awhile I thought about him. It wasn’t till I saw on his Snapchat story that he was hanging with the same creep who hurt me in so many ways. In the moment I no longer missed my ex but felt almost disgusted with him. How could he hangout with the same weirdo who did that. And that’s the thought that eats at me every day. Since my experience I have been healing everyday and time does help but it never erases the memories. In our culture today many girls have there own kind of story . If you walked into her room and asked the women if they have ever experienced this type of hurt. You would be really surprised about how many. The point of my story to share that you’re not alone. Yes mine isn’t as gruesome as others but it still happened and it still affected me. Let today be the day that you look in the mirror and tell yourself it wasn’t your fault none of it was.