I needed to write

Hey I am a 19 year old girl. My first language is not English so ignore that kindly. I don’t know exactly where to start or why I am writing this anonymously. It’s just I need to tell everything to someone. But there is no ‘someone’ to listen and understand that sometimes I also get hurt. My folks doesn’t support therapy either. No actually I have people. I have a bestfriend currently not talking to me because some shit of mine hurted her. Her’s also hurted me. But i did a comversation with her and I forgave but she is stuck on it. I have a family who basically judge me before listen. According to my mother I have no right to take my own decision and I shouldn’t keep any secrets. She treats me like a 10 year old cz she fears people can ruin me. People can destroy the good girl image of me. She literally ignores that I have my own thoughts. I can deal with my problems. Sometimes i need her lap just to cry and nothing. I don’t always want her judgements on my hard times. Then my father. Well, I don’t know why I always automatically act to be perfect, smart with him. Maybe I just wanna make him proud of me. You know we never talk about any emotional stuff. Our conversation is always like you know nasa is launching a new spaceship or covid situation or just today’s newspaper. Why? Why hasn’t he ever asked me how I am feeling? Why he is always ready to support me with money food study and stuff but not emotionally? No they are not bad. They are the best people trust me. But as parents, they need to learn a lot of things. When I get sick, it affects them like hell. But when I cry out loud, I can’t sleep all night. How doesn’t it bother them? Then I have a younger sister. I thought she is my best friend at home. Whatever happens she always be with me. But I also behaved like a shit with her and now she’s not talking to me. I have a not-so-boyfriend type boyfriend. Well If I share something with him, he shows me that I have a problem. The whole world is perfect just I am the one who does wrong stuff. I also start thinking that. But you know people just thinks me wrong all the time. I always try to be there for my friends. Even I don’t think about myself while helping them. Not for credit obviously. But one day they just throw me away comparing me with someone else. I couldn’t be a perfect bestfriend, sister, daughter. But I always try hard. I never let them down. Maybe that’s my fault that I try to be everyone’s favourite. I fear a lot of losing my good girl image without doing anything wrong. I give some people way much importance than they need. You know I am happy alone. This moment, this silence. It’s so peaceful. I know my be tomorrow or soon everything will be normal. People will start talking to me but the question in my mind won’t change. They never did. And no one will answer my questions. You can think me just a sad kid from somewhere of the world. Yeah I am. My sadness is not huge. I have everything still i feel a void and my head always feels heavy. I often cry during my prayer. I don’t know what I want. It’s not a story either. I am not writing here for publishing. But I needed to write and someone from another part of the world will read it. That’s amazing. Someone in the world knows whats in my head right now. Not all but pretty much. Thank you.