Dedication: to a person with zero confidence ,who is un happy from life
this is me ,noor , a empty soul , a dummy , a coward , a girl with zero potential .
i am empty ,i dont have freinds ,i dont know how to make freinds ,i have no confidence ,i want to live like other people live ,i dont know ho people are happy ,i usd to smile all time just to tell people that i am happy ,i have everything ,yeah ialhumduallah i have everything ,but still i am not happy ,bcz my parents , my ALLAH is not happy from me, i am a coward , i cant even sleep well ,i do not know how to heal my soul ?
i have one sister about my age ,she is pretty ,she is confident ,she is pretty ,and what i am???
am i not exist for my family? for my siblings? bcz i am less pretty as compare to my siblings??
they always treated me as a secound citizen in family ,in past i do not get things i need ,but due to the situation i started to use my anger to take my things , but this anger killed me from inside.
i remember when i was in 3rd grade ,i do a mistake ,like torn my notebook ,my mather scold me normaly and threated me that she told my father that i have no manners ,she did as she said ,and my father scold me for nothing ,it was just a small mitake ,i think that was the start ,to make me like that.. my father once said me that your sister is pretty ,she surely have a nice future ,but you are not that pretty ,you shoul study hard in order to get your dream life ,you dont even realize that pain ,of a 11 year old girl ,i was broken ,i hear these sentences throughout my life.
my sister got attention easily ,i remember there was a event in our school ,there was 25 studenst in our class ,teacher take the 20 girls for dance practice and other acts ,she choose my sister but not me ,and the other four girls are not pretty , that day i realize that noor you really are a secound citizen , sigh ,,later accidently class make me a moniter the class ,there were two moniters ,me and an other girl ,one day ,teacher was not in class ,and moniter were in control ,as i become moniter for the first time ,i was excited ,i told students to be quiet ,but freinds of the other moniter were playing in the class ,when the teacher came i told him that they were pkaying ,and guess what what she said ::; that was not your matter ,you are just a secound moniter ,only in the absence of a first moniter , i broke up that day.that was disguisting ,that day i promised my self to study hard and get the first position in the class ,i studeid every time and become the position holder of the class ,but nothing changed ,the same heartbroken sentences ,every freind of mine ,will become my sister friend ,i lost my confidence . even our tutor loves my sister ,she often gave her choclates that she is very cute , in a family function an aunt come to my mother and asked that she is your daughter ,she greet her well , i was waitng that she wil come to me ,as i was standing with my sister ,but she wont ,,even my mother didnt introduce me to her ,at that time i was in 7th class.
then i grew up ,i changed my life ,i become coward ,i had only one dream to become beautifull, i start to use beauty products ,at first i look awkward then with the passage of time ,it works ,people start to appreciate me of my beauty ,i become kinda arrogant ,people praise me ,praise my clothes ,but now by the grace of ALLAH ,now i am praised by the same people ,once i wanted to, but still i feel some emptiness ,emptiness enside me ,
i heard that if your father angry with you ,ALLAH will be angry with you ,but my father is angry with me as i was born ,so ALLAH is angry too with me???
i used gifts to make friends ,,i always smile to tell peopel that i am happy ,more happy as compare to them ,but the truth is i am not happy ,,i cant sleep well ,i try all the methods but still i am not confident ,i dont know how to make friends .
i feel hollowness inside me ,i want to become complete ,i want to become confident ,but i am not,,,????????????????????
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Photo credit: Image courtesy of storyteller.