Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of childhood sexual molestation and assault.
when i was young, i can’t remember the exact age i was when it started, i was in kindergarten about 3 years old, my siblings and i used to get babysat by a neighbour, d and her son z who was a year or two older than me. they would come over every morning and evening to get us to and from school when my parents were working, i really liked when they would come, z became my best friend i wanted to be with him all the time i wanted to do everything he did. his mom was fun, she would make my siblings and i race to get dressed and get ready so we wouldn’t be late, she was a good babysitter when she was actually babysitting. most of the time when she was over she wasn’t watching us but instead around the house looking in the basement, in my parents room, stealing stuff, my siblings were older and spent most of the day in their rooms, z and i would play all the time usually not very safe. we would play by the fireplace, in the dryer, and she never payed attention to us.
I had a pink digital camera for kids, you could take pictures and videos on it, it had games and stuff, i loved it. zach and i would play with it all the time, it was just kids being kids, until it wasn’t. z had two brothers much older than him, almost adults, who would talk about inappropriate stuff around z. one day when we were playing with my camera he went behind the couch and he pulled his pants down and took a picture of himself, and he made me do the same. being so young i was started to get curious and didn’t think anything of it so i did it because i wanted z to like me. eventually he started going behind the couch with me and taking pictures of me, and making me take pictures of him. all of this was happening while his mother was snooping around stealing from us instead of doing her job. eventually it escalated to him making me touch him, he would make me touch myself, he started touching me as well. it wasn’t something that only happened at home when we were being babysat, it started happening at school too. in our classroom there was the main class part and then there was a wall that enclosed the cubby area where we would come inside after recess, he would take me behind the wall where the teachers couldn’t see us and it would happen again. a few times he would bring another boy from our class, l, with us, he would make me touch them both and they would both touch me. lars never did it to me on his own, only when z was there, but z did it regardless. but he always hid it, he knew it was wrong so he would always hide when he did it, he told me it was a secret and that i couldn’t tell anyone about it.
my mom told me that she would come in my room when i was playing, and she would see my making my barbie dolls have sex, by first grade i was able to explain in full detail how babies were made, i started wetting the bed again after being fully potty trained. i found out much much later that d found the camera and was going through it, she saw the pictures we took, went back in the camera roll, and gave it to my sister to make her delete the pictures. finding out that his mom knew that something was going on and she didn’t do anything to question or stop it, makes me so sick to my stomach, thinking about i feel so angry. everyday i wish my parents and teachers recognized the signs, maybe they could have stopped it early. i will never ever ever blame my parents or teachers for not knowing, it’s not something you think of as a first possibility, i just wish they understood that my behaviour was not normal, and instead of getting mad at me for it, asking me why.