Dedication: no

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of childhood rape, sexual assault, and other forms of abuse.

HATE: A True Story
By Doreen L. Hambrick

In 1970, I was 5 years old when my father left my pregnant mother for a married woman who was also pregnant by him. Somehow my birth mother, Linda, moved in with the married woman’s husband until she met an African-American police officer named John. Within in a year, Linda was pregnant with his child and we moved in with him, and John’s 2 younger kids which were older than me. From the first night living together, Keith, John’s youngest son, woke me up in the middle of the night, took me downstairs, made me stand in 1 tile for hours threatening me not to move.

Afterwards, he told me to lay on the couch, kissed me repeatedly and had sex with me. I was terrified and scared. Then Keith let me go upstairs before anyone woke up threatening me not to tell anyone. Every day, I would fall asleep in class. One day the teacher asked why and I told her. When they contacted my mother, she told them I was a lair and crazy. Linda took me to a psychiatrist and I was put on medication which made me feel like a zombie. I went to the pediatrician. I had a yeast infection and they were signs of sexual abuse. The police got involved. I was threatened by everyone in my family to say a stranger did it. I was only 7 years old scared from the physical, sexual, and mental abuse I was receiving daily. I lied even though my mother knew the truth. She did nothing to stop or protect me. This happened every day until we moved to Havre de Grace with John grown kids a year later.

Once we moved in, the abuses got worse but now it included John’s 3 older sons and himself. Scilla beat me up or intimidated more. I would tell my mother but always got the same response. This is when I realize my mother took pleasure in my pain. She would laugh every time I felt pain. I would cry from the pain and hurt pleading with God to let me die. I had no friends because of my parents bi-racial relationship. You was considered an outcast. The only comfort I had was riding my bike so I wouldn’t be home. I got deeply depressed when John (Dad) took the wheel off my bike so I had to stay home. I had to be available for them to abuse me any time they felt the urge.

Starting around 7th grade, Keith would stalk me making sure I wasn’t see any boys. One day, Keith caught me talking to this boy. Keith got so mad that he threaten to beat him up. This continued until I was 15 years old when I was kicked out of the house by John with my mother stand right beside him smiling. I didn’t have anywhere to go except this older man’s place who liked me. I was a pregnant 10th grader with no support. My mother tried to get CPS to take my daughter so she could have her. I won because there was no proof of neglect even though Linda kept making false reports. I graduated high school, got a job, and left him. He was abusive just like my family.

I had relationships they claimed to loved me but it turned out it was just about sex. I had another child who my boyfriend would beat me even when I was pregnant so I was scared to tell him he wasn’t the father. We were both sneaking seeing other people at that time. I started dating my second daughter’s father after I told him he was the father of Rochelle. We eloped when she was 6 years old. I left him after 3 weeks of marriage after finding him with his week old newborn daughter and mother I didn’t know about. I wanted my marriage to work so I forgave him. We moved in with him and his 2 teenage daughters. After staying with him for about a week I found a love note from his oldest daughter to her father. I confronted him about it in which he pulled a gun out on me. He was having a sexual relationship with his daughter. That morning I took him to work and left him. After years of abuse, neglect and pain I decided to move to Texas to get far away from Maryland as possible.

I was happy in Texas. I worked 2 jobs, got my degree, brought a house and went to church regularly at Lakewood Church. I worked for the airlines so my oldest daughter would visit my mother during the holidays and summer . One day she was suppose to be on the plane coming back and she didn’t. Tia was 16 years old and there was nothing I could do about it by law. My mother finally got my daughter. I was so hurt. Shortly afterwards, I got a phone call from Tia stating that Alfred, my sister’s husband, raped her. My mother convinced her not to file charges and blamed her for the rape. My sister, Pumpkin, was going to leave her husband until they helped them buy a huge house with John’s money.

I finally went to visit Maryland and stayed after being convinced by Calvin to move back which I did. Shortly I became pregnant with twin boys. Calvin tried to convince to get an abortion but I wouldn’t, Calvin kicked me out of his house and tried to make me lose the twins by making me carry all my stuff out of his house when he knew I was bleeding and on bed rest. I left and moved back to Texas with a friend until I had the twins. Things didn’t work out there so I moved to Pennsylvania to live with my brother. The twins were 3 months old and it was cold in the house. I brought a space heater. When Brian came home he was furious I brought a heater and beat me up. I grabbed the twins and left. It was icy and snowing that night. I was trying to get up the hill but my SUV slipped backwards which came inches going off the cliff. This man found me and pulled me to the main road where I was safe to drive. I called my mother to tell her what was going on. Linda’s reply was, “It’s his house! He can do want he wants!” I didn’t have any where to go except to Calvin’s. Like my family, Calvin was abusive to me too. I needed to escape but couldn’t afford being on my own paying $300 a week in daycare. I got a job as a contractor working in Iraq for a year. My plan would be to work there for a year and come back get the twins.

What I didn’t expect was coming back from Iraq with PTSD. I was scared to leave the house and I would cry all day unable to take care of the twins properly. Before Calvin and I went to custody court hearing, Calvin told me that if I give him full custody, he would let me see the twins and I would still be part their lives. As soon as a signed the papers, Calvin wouldn’t let me see or call the twins. I battled Calvin in court for 14 years until my lawyer told me that the twins didn’t want to see me any more. Calvin finally turned the twins against me. From there I went into a spiral down fall. I started using drugs to kill the pain, lost my job, had a stroke, got evicted, and became homeless.

Brian took over the house and of John’s possessions once he died. That was not dad’s wishes but Linda’s. I felt that Mom wasn’t giving John his cancer medication because he was getting worse not better. When grandma had cancer she refused to let grandma receive cancer treatment. In both cases. Linda just wanted to get her hands on their money so she can support Brian’s drug habit. When they died, she never cried a tear instead seemed happy.

Brian agreed to let me stay at the house in the basement against Linda’s wishes. Living there I realized how Linda did it. How she got our family and friends not to like me. She will buy them their love and convince them what a trouble person I am by telling lies about me. My first granddaughter, Malia, was close until Linda intervene. She wouldn’t even look at me and started treating me like everyone else in the family. Linda has been doing this my whole life! During the first 3 months she would show her favoritism towards Brian and Pumpkin. Also, Linda would lie or me and tell me how much she hated me. Brian went along with it. Mom referred to Brian as her “son husband”.

At night, they both slept in the living room on separate couch but in the middle of the night I could hear Linda giggling like a school girl and calling Brian’s name seductively. After 4 months, I was locked in the basement. I couldn’t take a shower, mom would only cook for Brian, shower or use the bathroom. I had to called the cops 3 times to get in the house. It was a cold winter with temperatures below 0 degrees. I had to wear 4 layers of clothing and cover up in 2 heavy comforters to stay warm. Even thought there were 3 space heaters, I couldn’t use them. I had to use the bathroom in a bucket. (I have pictures). One day when I was gone, Brian nailed the basement doors shut do I couldn’t get out. I had to call the police to get me out of the house. Both of them lied to the police saying I stole from them to justify their wrong doing. I had enough and slept in my vehicle for about a month until I called mobile crisis on Easter day.

Mobile Crisis put me up in a motel for 5 weeks. My vehicle got repo. I lost everything. I had nothing to live for any more. So I got the telephone cord ,went onto the roof, tied it together, and looped it around my neck and light post. I prayed to God to forgive me for committing suicide. Then I jumped which takes a lot of courage to do. The light post broke and I feel on the sidewalk. I was badly bruised and a broken right heel. I was taken to Bayview hospital.

I had 5 surgeries and 6 weeks in the hospital. Since I would have a pick line for 6 weeks, I had to go into a nursing home because I was homeless. I met a man named Ray who made me laugh again even though I was mad at the world and God. I was worst off then before. Afterwards, I went into a shelter wheelchair bound. Today, Ray who is a double amputee and I live together. We both suffered great tragedies in our lives. I realized I needed him just as much as he needed me.

The African-American community embraced me but labeled by the whites. My mother has hated me all my life since my father left. Sometimes I wonder if he was really is my father because me and my brother do not look anything alike. Since she hates me so much, she wants everyone else to hate me. Linda was never a mother to me. She is narcissistic, gas lighting, and childish. She reminds me of Satan. Linda will go to church, praise Jesus, know the scriptures but in reality she is the most cruelest, manipulator and evilest person I’ve ever known. Everything I went through, she could not break me or make me evil like her. God had me! I asked God one day, why He let me suffer so much pain from her? He said, “So you can tell your story.” I hope my story can help others.

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Doreen L. Hambrick

A single mother of 4 and author of Misplaced Female who has conquered alot of unusual circumstances in her Lifetime.