Dedication: To Maegy, who amazes me with her own story.
This is the story of changing hearts and adopting someone who thought they were not worthy of being loved. It is written from a Christian perspective, so I hope that is allowed here.
Young voices filled the gym as I fidgeted on the metal folding chair I sat on. That chair seemed to get harder with every song the kids sang. We had traveled to the Christian Children’s Ranch in Eagle, Idaho for their open house. The private, foster facility was home to many children who were no longer able to be cared for by family members. As the choir finished their performance and I thought I would be rescued from my chair, the choir director walked toward a small child in the front row. A tiny, blonde girl was led by the hand and brought to the front of the watchful crowd. The director explained that this was the newest addition to their large eclectic family and while she was too young for the choir, she still wanted to sing for everyone. With an impish grin and a voice much larger than her small body, she bravely belted out “Jesus Loves Me,” and she brought smiles to everyone’s faces. A brief “isn’t that cute” flitted through my mind and with that the program closed and we headed for home.
The following summer, my husband was asked to be the director for a Christian camp for one week. He gathered staff from local churches and one couple who volunteered were from the Children’s Ranch. By the end of camp, Dale had become good friends with Tom and Sue. It wasn’t long before the four of us made plans to go out together. We made the 45-minute drive to the Ranch and knocked on the door of Tom & Sue’s group home. A small, very talkative, energetic, blonde girl greeted us with – “Hi, what’s your name?” She bounced around in front of us as she led us to the living room. There were kids watching tv, playing with toys, peering at us from around corners – but the bouncing blonde was still talking to us and using Dale as a jungle gym. We headed out for our double date with Tom and Sue, and had a wonderful evening with our new friends, completely unaware of what God was preparing our hearts for.
God had blessed our lives with two wonderful sons, but I experienced moments when something seemed to be missing. When our first son was born, I was ecstatic – I wanted a boy first. Then in my great wisdom, I reasoned that because my mom had a boy and then a girl and Dale’s mom had done the same…it was logical that I would have a girl next! As my husband anxiously watched as baby #2 made an entrance, he looked at me with a fearful glance! It was another boy and Dale thought I would be devastated…but of course at that point I didn’t care anymore, as I screamed, “get it out!” He had all his fingers and toes and was healthy and I was content.
By the time the boys were preschoolers, my husband decided that two kids were quite enough. While I agreed to not have more children, a tiny corner of my mind and heart knew I wanted to adopt a little girl. Any time I tried to discuss it, Dale’s mind and heart were closed on the subject. I concentrated on raising our boys and tried not to focus on the hole in my heart. I kept praying that God would either change my husband’s heart or take the desire of my heart away. I knew God would not want the desire in my heart to cause resentment in our marriage. Life went on, Dale graduated from Bible College, and we started full-time ministry in a small town in Idaho.
There were many times – especially during Christmas and Easter, when the frilly dresses were everywhere, I found the hole in my heart larger. Mother’s Day was even more difficult, as the church always had a mother/daughter brunch, and my heart would break a bit. I was the Pastor’s wife and was expected to attend. I always wondered why there weren’t events for moms and sons. I would get into a blue funk and my husband would ask what was wrong and each time I shared my heart with Dale. He was understanding and kind, but in the end the answer was the same…” I just don’t want the same.”
On a Friday afternoon in November, Dale prepared to leave for our church’s annual men’s retreat. As he packed, he noticed I was unusually quiet – which usually meant trouble at our house! I explained that it was the same old-same old and I knew he didn’t want to hear it again. He assured me that he did, and he listened, and kindly said how sorry he was and that he wished he could change how he felt. With a hug and a kiss, he disappeared out the door…and I felt a different kind of door was completely closing in my life also. By now, our sons, Matt, and Nate, were 12 and 10 and even I was beginning to wonder about adding a toddler to the mix. It was nice being able to run to the store for a few things and leave the boys at home! Then I would see a little girl in her mother’s arms at the store – and the tug on my heart would start again.
There was a reason for my never-ending longing. I come from strong, resilient, and very capable women! I grew up learning how to serve others, bake cookies, make quilts, teach, and gather people. I spent a lot of time with my Grandma Newton, who had tea parties with me, teaching me that tea was only good with loads of sugar and milk. I played under a magical fort made of a homemade quilt and watched as Grandma’s quilt ladies’ needles went in and out above me. Anytime I stayed with my grandparents over a weekend, I sat next to Grandma in church. Her purse was always stocked with candies to make us sit still, even when I was a teenager! The main thing I learned from the women in our family, was being a servant for God and that anything was possible with His strength. I was part of a huge clan of women who both read their Bibles and taught about it to others. I felt without a daughter, I wouldn’t have someone to pass all this on to!
While Dale was gone to the retreat, I spent time in prayer. I asked God to help me to have closure about adopting. I asked – no, begged, for Him to just release my heart from the hurt and emptiness, so that it would never come between Dale and me. Then I decided, I was going to bring up the subject of adopting one last time, and then never speak of it again. The weekend passed quickly, and Monday morning started normally. I was the church secretary, and Dale and I always met to get the calendar planned. I sat down in his office, swallowed hard, and started to speak. “Dale, I want to talk to you about adopting” and then I didn’t get much farther. Suddenly, my normally quiet, introverted husband interrupted me with – “Stop!” I thought, oh boy, I’ve done it now, his patience has finally run out! Instead, he continued with, “Mary, I’ve been praying all weekend and I realize I have been selfish. I think we should look into adopting, find out the facts we need, and then make a decision.” I’m sure I must have just stared with my mouth hanging open, but as soon as the shock wore off, I was on the phone! I was afraid if I didn’t act quickly, Dale might change his mind again. Within the next hour, I called 2 or 3 agencies, asking for their literature to be mailed. I was a woman on a mission! As I finished working, a quiet, but almost audible thought came to me – maybe I should call the children’s ranch.
I dialed the Ranch’s number, wondering why I bothered at all. Most of the kids were not available for adoption. Being a firm believer in “you never know unless you ask, and with God guiding things, I knew nothing was impossible. If nothing else – our friends at the Ranch would keep their ears open for us! The Ranch’s manager’s wife answered, and I briefly explained that we were interested in finding a little girl to adopt. I continued without a breath and explained I knew the kids there weren’t usually adoptable. I waited for her to agree with me and prepared to hang up but instead, I heard “how old?” My mind stumbled around for a second and I came up with, “I guess a 2 or 3 yr. old.” Dale and I hadn’t talked about those details yet. These are the words I heard next, “Oh, that’s too bad! We have a 5-year-old little girl, whose mother is going to place her for adoption with the State after Christmas.” I responded with “oh, that is too bad, that is older than we were thinking.” With that, I hung up and told Dale about the strange phone conversation.
Have you ever stayed awake all night, staring at the ceiling? The mind does interesting things when it’s left to its imagination! If you add a God that just loves to mess with your head and heart – it gets downright hilarious! I had told Dale about the 5-year-old girl and his response was the same as mine, “oh, that’s too bad!” We didn’t speak of it again and I just planned to wait for the information packets from the different adoption agencies to arrive. I counted the cracks in our bedroom ceiling that night and wanted to scream, “shut up, shut up, shut up,” to my brain – but it would do no good! Who was this little girl and why was her mother giving her up? What did she look like? Was she sad, did she feel alone? Before the night was over, there was a picture in my head of a blonde haired, blued eyed, girl with dimples…and that picture was completely real to me. As light creeped into our bedroom that morning, I remembered a very bouncy little thing, and wondered! She would be about that age – could it be her? As my husband stirred next to me, I realized he was staring at me and I asked, “What do you think about a 5 yr. old?” He answered, “I think you better call them back!” It turned out that Dale had been awake most of the night too! I made that call and God said, “It’s about time!” With one phone call, the ball wasn’t just rolling; it was crashing through every obstacle!
Maegy had been at the Ranch for about 10 months and yes, she was the little bouncy thing living with our friends! We talked to Matt and Nate openly about adoption and they became excited about having a little sister. We announced to our families over Christmas that we were thinking of adopting and I thought everyone would be shocked. I remember my mother saying, “it’s about time, I always knew you would.” We cut our Christmas trip a little short and got back in time for our meeting with Maegy’s mom, and drove to the Ranch, nervous wrecks!
After listening and asking questions for 2 hours, we learned that this mom wasn’t Maegy’s biological mother either; she had adopted Maegy at birth! She was even the birth coach during labor. The woman explained that she had since divorced her husband and how this little girl had caused the issues within their family. This grown woman blamed her family’s situation on a 5 yr. old little girl! She continued telling us Maegy had a birth sister who they had also adopted, but that she was no problem for her. She was going to use the excuse that she needed knee surgery, to explain to Maegy why she would never go back home. Then this woman handed us a thick manilla envelope, filled with medical paperwork, psychological work ups and diagnoses. With a handshake she said she liked us and wanted us to be Maegy’s parents. That was that.
The next month was filled with preparations, a home visit by the State and getting a lawyer for the massive paperwork! We had a casual get together at a park with Tom and Sue and all their kids from the Ranch. Then we got Maegy for a couple of family outings, and by February we had legal guardianship. She moved in and became part of our family on February 9th, 1992. She arrived at her forever home with a large trash bag and one box. There were a few stuffed animals, and the box held second-hand clothes, none of which fit well, and a baby blanket with matching pillow. She wore a faded, thread-bare, pink t-shirt that had a cartoon bunny on the front. We soon discovered that it was her favorite and it only came off long enough to be washed! She had found it in the bins of used, donated clothes at the Ranch, and it was at least 2 sizes too big for her.
If I knew then, what I know now – I would have hung on to that T–shirt! I would have found a way to frame it and let it serve as our Ebenezer – as when Samuel sets up a stone to commemorate the help that God had given the Israelites in 1 Samuel. A marker that said, “Thus far, our God has helped us!” How often I needed to be reminded of that and needed encouraged to keep trusting Him! I think Maegy identified with that shirt…used, discarded by various owners, moved from home to home. Yet, in the midst of it all, still just a cute, innocent, little bunny. She would spend many years with us, trying to prove that we should also get rid of her and like the T-shirt, her mouth and attitude were usually two sizes, two big! Dale and I entered into this journey of adoption, with open hearts and minds. We knew it could be difficult, and that there could possibility be issues with attachment disorder. How could there not be?
Maegy thrived on stirring up trouble, being a major pain to her brothers – who probably would’ve returned her to the Ranch, had they been able. Maegy’s biggest assets – unknown to her then, were her new, forever parents’ unconditional love, grace, and forgiveness. Another asset was this mom’s stubbornness that was equal to or greater than Maegy’s own! Many times, I had to remind my daughter that we don’t get rid of our children! My mother often told her she wasn’t going anywhere – Maegy was stuck with us! God didn’t quite give me the daughter I dreamed of, and I have often joked that I really ended up with another boy! She hated wearing fluffy dresses or dresses of any kind! She played with bugs and watched pro wrestling with her brothers and dad. She didn’t want to bake with me and hated shopping! When Meg played “house” with a girlfriend, I would hear her command, “you will be the mom and I will be the dog!” She didn’t play with dolls, just stuffed animals. Instinctually, I guessed that animals, especially dogs, loved unconditionally, so perhaps Maegy felt safe with them. Even when she played by herself, she was a dog, at times becoming obsessed with them. Her room was filled with stuffed dogs, and she would only get in our lap if she playacted as a dog. Raising Maegy was hard, but being Maegy, I believed, was even harder.
Occasionally, a well-meaning woman would ask me if we regretted adopting our daughter. Without even a fraction of thought, I always answered, “Absolutely not!” Yes, bringing up Maegy was difficult, but I knew she was a gift straight from God, just as much as her brothers were. God knew we were the only parents who would never give up on her or give her up. That thick, manilla envelope we were handed about Meg, got locked in my husband’s file cabinet at the church on the day she moved in. Dale and I vowed that we would not judge our new child on what someone else said about her past. We did eventually read it all, but not until Maegy had been with us for at least a year. Loving a child that doesn’t believe they are loveable, teaches us how God must feel when we believe we aren’t worthy of loving.
One difficult Sunday, Maegy and I were alone in the van, on our way home. I often told my daughter that if she could just learn to just keep her mouth shut, she would rarely be in trouble! This Sunday was a repeat of many Sundays, with Meg getting in trouble for talking all through the worship service, when she was allowed to sit with her friends. The other moms near them usually ignored the distraction, but I could hear them from up front. This situation would end up with me walking back to the chatterboxes, quietly pointing at Meg, and motioning for her to come sit with me. I was as weary as she was with this weekly episode of discipline. I prayed for God’s guidance during that ride home and when we arrived, I told Maegy to stay in the car with me. She sighed and rolled her eyes, as she spewed out, “What?” I once again talked to her about her behavior and how I didn’t enjoy these moments any more than she did. Suddenly my daughter spewed out the words I knew had to be in her, somewhere! “Just go ahead and do it, you know you want to!” Instead of assuming I knew what she meant, I asked, “do what?” She answered with, “just get rid of me, you know you want to!” I will never forget the words God gave me that day, while Meg and I sat in our minivan! I asked her to think about how her oldest brother had a bit of a hot temper. Then I created an outlandish example for her – “What if your brother killed someone?” Meg said that her brother would never do that! I continued, “if he did, and I found out, I would be the first person to turn him in to the police.” She was mortified; she couldn’t believe I would do such a thing. I then explained, “even if your brother went to jail for the rest of his life, he would still be my son and I would still love him. When we make bad choices, we also make the choice to live with the consequences. Maegy quietly said, “oh.” Then I told her that no matter what she does, she will be our daughter and we will love her. I finished this teachable moment by telling her, “That is how our God loves us: unconditionally, extending grace but still allowing us to deal with consequences so we learn from our mistakes.”
With Maegy’s background, there was absolutely no reason for her to trust adults, mothers, fathers, or even a heavenly Father. I was her fourth mom figure in the first 5 years of life! I’ve never heard of an origin story like my daughter’s – to be given up at birth – to be a daughter by choice, only to be given up by the adoptive parents into a foster care facility, then adopted again. It didn’t take long for her and I to have challenges and battles with each other. She was faced now with not just a mom, but a momma bear! I often informed her that I was far more stubborn than she could ever think of being! I was raised by some stubborn people. My kids knew I would fight for them, but also with them, about the choices they made. Because I cared so much and knew God had placed this child with us for a reason, I would fight for who she would become! I knew God gave me our sons too and I fought equally hard for and with them. It was raising Maegy that taught me that when a child pushes you away, it shows you how God must feel when we don’t want to spend time with Him!
One Saturday when Meg was around 13, I invited her to go shopping with me. I always tried to spend one on one time with each of our kids, but she wasn’t interested. She preferred to stay home, and watch cartoons all day, and never wanting to force myself on her, I left it alone. In comparison, Meg’s brothers always wanted to go places with me and took her place willingly. That afternoon, when I arrived home, Maegy was gone. I asked Dale where she was and was informed that her friend invited her over, so he had dropped her off. My heart hurt. Months later, she was mad at me about something and when I pressed for more info, she blurted out, “you like spending time with the boys more than me!” I decided in that very ironic moment, to be completely honest and responded, “yes I do!” She tried to use it as ammo, attacking with “I knew it!” I continued with the lesson by asking her if she knew why that was. She didn’t. I explained that her brothers liked being with me, they asked to be included in my life! I then asked her, how would she feel if she called her best friend and asked her to come over, but the friend said no. This friend just wanted to stay home and watch tv all day. Later the same day, you call your friend again and are told that she went to another friend’s house to hang out. “How would that make you feel, Maegy?” She answered that she would be sad and upset with her friend. I explained that’s how I felt when she refused to spend time with me but couldn’t wait to hang out with other people.
I’d love to tell you that all these moments with our daughter, no matter how profound, had a lasting impact. That somewhere there was an epiphany for Meg, and it changed our relationship completely. That did happen, but not until she was an adult and about to get married. She read a letter to Dale and I during the rehearsal dinner and thanked us for being the parents we were and for never giving up on her. Meg married a Godly man, and they have two boys! She’s an amazing worship leader, hair artist with her own salon and is a gifted artist in other mediums as well. The changes in Meg happened a little bit at a time, with Dale and I staying consistent in who God created us to be, as her parents. We had to show her, no matter how hard she worked at trying to prove we wouldn’t keep her, that we loved her unconditionally. She was stuck with us!
Ephesians 5:1 – “God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” Maegy is loved, cherished, and adopted into our earthly family, but more importantly, adopted into His family! We helped her understand that words on paper or other people’s opinions do not decide who she is – God and Maegy decide!
Here are just a few valuable lessons God showed me in parenting our daughter:
• Everyone deserves a forever home – with unconditional love, where we feel safe, our needs are met, and our dreams are encouraged. God wants that for all His children!
• Trust must be earned! Thankfully, God is always trustworthy and our lack of faith in Him does not change who He is!
• Boundaries are put in place to protect, teach, cultivate trust, and encourage success.
• Maegy’s resistance to form a closer bond with me, made my heart ache, which made me realize – I never worked that hard on my relationship with God! How often has God invited me to spend time with Him and I was too busy or selfish to do it?
• Maegy taught me to fight for relationships, how to love until it hurts, and how to hold on and have hope in God for the future of someone!
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Photo credit: Photo provided by the storyteller
