Black and White pearls

(Venus in front of the mirror)

Dear you and me,

I always had the dream to help other people and to share a story, to inspire people. Yet I feel so worthless all the time. I constantly find myself walking against a wall and can not seem to climb the wall and look on the other side. This time I choose to share my story. Not to seem like a good human, but to get something off my chest…

Do you see this beautiful painting of Rubens above this text? Do you see the woman staring into the mirror? Do you see the pearl in her ear? The black pearl? Do you see the woman in the back? The woman with the white pearls around her neck? That is a resemblance to my torn thoughts. Day in day out. I am the one who is looking into the mirror. The one to break every piece of myself until there is nothing left. I tell myself I am worthless, unattractive, and useless. Then I find a slight sensation in my body. A little light, just like a flicker. A candle that is just burning, the light burning and burning until I snap.

I break into two pieces.
Everything or nothing.
Nothing in between.
Balance is lost.

Perhaps I am a bit confusing. Let me clarify: (I am not schizophrenic whatsoever) I am a person who would like to love herself, but find myself continuously aching to be perfect.

I have a history of eating disorders. Anorexia as well as bulimia. Now one year recovered I still have these feelings of wanting to be perfect and feeling like I am not enough. You may ask yourself why do I declare myself recovered: That is the point I would like to clarify with this message.

What is recovery? People always seem to think that recovery is something that takes your problem and pain away. Actually, at the moment you are out of the process of “recovery” surviving commences. You are living with your past demons in a lighter form. A form that is there, but not as prominent as before, because you learned to ignore them. At least that is my battle. Perhaps some people lost their demons completely, but I certainly did not. And I want to tell you that this is okay. Recovery is not perfect. Look at the painting above: What do you see? Hold that mirror in front of your face and see the black and the white pearls. See the perfections and imperfections and learn to embrace them.

There are good and worse days, but in the end, all that matters is that you are a piece of this universe and you have gotten the mission to live your life. Not in a perfect way, but in a way that fits you perfectly. There is the word perfect: it can only be used in life. The life you have received. Use it however you want. A game card and a life changer.

On a good day, I can love myself and on a bad day, I can’t. But I can embrace these things and see them as perfect. Maybe it is cheesy, but we are all perfectly imperfect. Look at the pearls again:

There is no light without darkness and there is no darkness without light. Just be you. You are good enough. Trust me…

Photo credit: Images courtesy of the storyteller.

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I am 18 and I will start University in september. I will study history of art and I love to read, draw, play the piano and being with my family.