I was born in 2003 but I always tell my friends that I was born 2005 because I don’t want to tell them that I was held back in kindergarden.
The reason why I was held back is because my teacher always hits me and humiliates making me learn nothing but wanting to end my life around 6 or 7 (I know its crazy but I still remember having my first thought of suicide at that age because of her). My classmates during that time would laugh at me, sometimes I’d have accidents because I have UTI. My teacher would not help me just making things worse for me, that is the reason why I hate attention. Because I always cry my teacher would isolate me, making me sit to the corner of the floor or lock me in a different room if I cry louder with no lights making me to the point I would almost pass out in fear/suffocation and if I continue to cry she would hit me. This happened to me every day. Causing me to learn nothing but panic attacks everytime I see her.
Fast foward to pre-schol my parents noticed that I was still unhappy and hate going to school (they would let me skip school 2 days only once a week and that is my only happiness). I think the reason why they didn’t ask a year ago is because I’m still young and it’s normal to cry in school because they think I don’t want to be left alone by them kinda like a child in their first day of school.
I remember telling them that my teacher hits me. I wish I could’ve told them the other things she did to me but that was the main thing. They transfered me to a different school in the middle of pre-school (I think that is why I repeated not sure, never really opened up to my parents or anyone). Back then I do not know what is happening at that point I just know that I am out of that shit hole school.
Ofcouse my fear and panic attacks didn’t stop there until I was 10 yrs old in 3rd grade when I met a teacher and God bless her soul because she is the only one who showed me great care and really treated me like a child and a student. I learned a lot better, because of her I got good grades.
Side notes: ofcouse along the way there are people who looked down on me because I am older in my grade and repeated because of that they think I am stupid or slow in understanding making me always being compared to others who are younger and smarter than me. This cause me to be ashamed and just started lying that I was born in 2005 ofcouse knowing that lie wouldn’t last. My panic attack only happens if I am not around with someone who I can trust that is why it happens a lot in school.
I’ve always cry to my sleep everytime because I just want to talk to someone without crying because it hurts me to remember my past. I just want someone to understand me and be able to show my sadness instead my crack head version of me.
If you’ve reach the bottom this thank you so much for reading it means a lot to me its 2:31 am now I need to sleep :’)
God bless you and remember there is always a hope in everyway and never give up. Sometimes you just need to show people a big fat middle finger.