It all started during COVID. The first time I remember vividly other than the other times was when I was trying on my old clothes and It didn’t fit and my mom just straight up called me fat with so much disgust in her voice, I ran the the washroom after that and cried behind her back. There’s been so many times where she’s compared me to other strangers and looked at me with so much judgement in her eyes and it hurt really bad. I started to have suicidal thoughts from when I was 11 and then I self-harmed a few times when I was 12, I had so many nights where I felt so ugly and fat, I used to cry myself to sleep. There was also a time where I was fat shamed by my aunts and mom on my birthday while I put a dress which didn’t fit. This continued and the crying did too but then I eventually realized that self-harm was a selfish and cowardly and painful thing to put yourself and your loved ones through. But then….at 14 and now 15, I’ve realized that I’d been body-shamed my whole life, even when I was younger I used to get compared to my cousin, but when I looked at my pictures where people body-shamed me when I was younger, I realized I wasn’t even fat that time. Due to the COVID period and recently, I’ve just hated my body and my looks more and more- and the comments still haven’t stopped. My own brother- my favorite person, also body-shames me so openly. but from Jan 2022 I’ve not been crying as much and whenever they comment something, I just laugh or smile and take it lightly because I don’t feel anything. but…..it hurts everytime I look in the mirror, it hurts because I’ve had so many failed attempts at making my body look better, it hurts because I think I have Binge eating disorder and body dysmorphia and when I do nothing about it, I pretend like the whole world is against me when I’M the one ruining myself. As I’ve come to highschool I also started to take my studies seriously but I keep getting distracted and of course resulting in low grades. My studies have also started to affect me like my looks. now I’m just an ugly- fat person with no good grades as well. I often cry about how I didn’t study properly when I was younger and now I’m regretting everything. Even being a financial burden to my parents.