I’m sharing my story because I want other people to hear it and know that they are not alone. So it all started 1 year ago I started feeling discomfort eating with others. And this made it hard in school because there were people everywhere so I stopped eating with people because I would experience discomfort. Then the next year I was able to eat with people again I was happy that I eat again with people. But then things changed that year I started experiencing emotions that I hadn’t felt before so often like fear and anxiety. I had early symptoms the year before because once I was going to the place where I would eat lunch and I felt that someone was following me to probably find out where I was was. And I assumed it was probably one of my classmates and I was going down the stairs when I heard someone going down so I quickly walked. I felt they would catch up with me so I started running I ran and the door behind me closed shut I went into the small hallway and went into the small office I would eat in with a teacher. I went in there and hid under the desk with my backpack and lunch bag I started to cry as I had experienced fear and anxiety. That year I was also a loner and kept to myself. Once I remember I was walking to the place I would go and I saw the kids at their lockers immediately I felt anxious and I wanted to avoid them seeing me. So I just stood there and waited for them to leave I thought they probably saw me since the windows of the school were clear but I guess it doesn’t matter since that happened a year or two years ago. I was in relief at the time because there was a solution to my problem with eating with other people. I could eat over there comfortably but I wasn’t completely comfortable. But I knew that at some point I had to go back to eating with people even if I didn’t like it. The reason I didn’t like eating with people was because I was a loner and would eat lunch alone so I thought I was better off not there to have to experience the discomfort. The next year I went back to eating with people and that year I made a friend G. So I started taking to her in P.E and then in lunch I saw her eating alone so I approached her and asked if I could eat with her. She seemed chill so we started talking. And we started talking more and we became friends and I was happy that I had made a friend but we stopped being friends. I wasn’t exactly sure why we stopped being friends probably because I stopped talking to her since one day she said she didn’t want to talk anymore because she needed space. So I stopped talking to her and she stopped taking to me and I stopped eating lunch with her and went back to eating alone. I felt embarrassed eating alone because I didn’t have any friends and everyone else did. And I also felt embarrassed because I had the persistent feeling that people around me were watching me and that was because of my social anxiety. So one day I was in my favorite class which is art and me and another classmate had to catch up on a project. So I thought this was the perfect solution to my problem but not forever. I took time with my project so I didn’t have to go back to eating with people. So I went back to the art room during lunch and asked my art teacher if I could eat there with her but she said no. And I didn’t want to go back to eating with people so eating with my art teacher didn’t help with the situation much because once I finished my project I had to go back to eating with people again. One of the hardest things other than not having friends that I went through that school year was my anxiety. I started going to therapy that year and the therapist told me that I had social anxiety. For people who don’t know what social anxiety is intense fear and anxiety in social situations and the fear of being watched and judged by others. An example let’s say your at the mall with your dad and he’s buying you a new pair of shoes and you run into some girls from your grade. Let’s say you’re really embarrassed and you don’t want them to see you so you decide to go somewhere else in the mall just so you don’t have to see them. But for me it was hard because I was constantly trying to avoid people I wanted to stay away from. It didn’t help that I wanted to hide and go somewhere where I didn’t have to see them. I was specifically afraid of the other class for some reason they intimated me and I was afraid of them. I couldn’t control my emotions sometimes so I would get extremely nervous and start sweating. I couldn’t control it because it was hard to control. I had the fear of being judged and watched by others but in reality people probably weren’t paying attention to me. I had trouble making friends because everyone already had their own group of friends and it’s not that easy. You can’t just go up to someone and be like “Hey wanna be friends?”. I also experienced a lot of thoughts like it’s my fault or something is wrong with me. I was that kid that leaved classes and disappeared I felt my status was quite obvious. As I had my name said on the intercom a good times. Whether I was in the bathroom hiding or I wasn’t where I was supposed to be or I didn’t show up to class. I had my name called I remember once I didn’t show up to math class and my name was called on the intercom. For me it felt humiliating like a spotlight was being shown on me and to make it worse it made me want to show up even less to class. I felt there was no escape to my anxiety because I had to go to school every single day and I had to get through social situations every single day. Some of the worst things that happened that year were when my mom forced me to go to a social event that I didn’t want to go to. She made me go to this social event because she wanted me to have some sort of community service. I told her that I didn’t want to go and that day I didn’t show up to school so it felt weird going to school. That day I went to school during the event and I felt anxious I didn’t know what to do I just looked down and didn’t make eye contact with certain people. (I won’t get super into detail about everything because I don’t want to share a lot of personal information and also I’m lazy 😩 so yeah). In the middle of the year again I stopped eating with people and started eating with one of my old teachers and a classmate. I was just trying to avoid people but it was hard because people are everywhere 😭 I remember once this girl in my grade walked in. She wanted to talk to the teacher and I just put my head down pretending to sleep or something. I ate lunch there every day until next year this current year on the first day I finally ate with people. And I am not happy but neutral that I sort of conquered a fear that I had for a while now. But this year I’ve felt jealousy and envy because of this kid I was jealous of him and other kids because they were the class clowns the center of attention the attraction. And they were immature which really pissed me I started getting angrier and angrier just at them. And I started thinking of ways to get back at them somehow but they have done nothing to me at all. I just experienced envy and anger towards them because to me they were immature and annoying in my opinion 😒. But I have to just let out my emotions so I’ll do it. I am tired of this jerk you love being the center of attention the attraction. You love to piss people off and bring them down because that’s you. There are people who don’t benefit you they just ruin you. And yes stick your tongue at me so I can cut it thankss 😊. Anyways thats all don’t get revenge on people it’s not worth it let karma do its thing. Thank you for reading my story I really appreciate it stay safe and take care. And remember whatever you’re going through you can get through it. Whatever you believe you can achieve if you believe in yourself which is the most important. Believe in yourself keep trying if you fall get back up again. It’s okay to feel anxious, nervous or scared you’re a human being with feelings 😊. I wrote this story so that you don’t feel alone so if your struggling with social anxiety your not alone because I went through it too 😊 and its okay to feel the way you feel. And one more thing not to be harsh (unfair is what I mean 😚) but nobody can save you from your fears and anxiety but you. You have to step up and be brave sometimes even though fear and anxiety can take over. And one more thing your diagnosis doesn’t define you at all or predict how you’ll be in the future. Anyways bye have a beautiful day! 💗
Makena Eliza (I do want to share my name)