Will it ever get good?

*Might have spelling errors since I typed this quickly*

This is where everything started 3rd grade I got bullied for the way I looked I hated it everything about it. I remember I had this friend she could talk to me but would never talk to her parents just barely speak and say short and small words I was the only one she would talk to we would have long conversations. We both used to get bullied one day this boy was bullying her I got peer pressured to do it to her because I didn’t want to get bullied. Now I feel bad and I wish I could take back the things I said to her that day. I remember lining up and this girl said your backpack was opened I felt happy that someone was finally nice and helped me close it but then I realized she opened my backpack and took a snack pack out (a snack pack is a bag they used to give kids with food in it someone didn’t want theirs so the teacher gave it to me) After I felt really sad. My name was called to go out so my mom can pick me up as I was going out I saw the girl with it I asked her if she can give it back she said no and started laughing. Then she threw it on the floor so I can pick it up it was really embarrassing in front of everyone a teacher told her to give it to my hand and I left. Kids would call me fat,pig,your so big it hurted me a lot.

4th grade at first we had virtual but then we went back to irl class it was always these two boys bullying me I hated it nobody would like me because I was fat and ugly except this girl. I got body dysmorphia at a young age I would try to hurt myself but I was scared of it hurting so I did it but with things less sharp. I would cry every single night even when I had good days. I would exercise and would have mental break downs because of it. My body didn’t change I was still the fat ugly girl. The bullying never stopped.

5th grade it somewhat stopped I became friends with people and I had a trio. I was really happy that I finally had some friends I would laugh with them but I realized they hated it. They talked about me behind my back saying I’m annoying I laugh too much. I finally got tired I people saying things behind my back I confronted them and they said they never said anything but get this I found out because in the morning in school my trio which is me lets call her cupcake and cotton candy. I saw cotton candy and cupcake together passing a note around and when I came and sat at their table they hid it and wrapped the paper up and threw the paper on the floor. I took the paper home and read it. Those words broke my heart I felt worthless again. I started crying and tried to $h again but I was too scared. After I came back from home I acted like nothing happened and when I confronted they declined saying I’m the worst friend for thinking that and saying lies I thought to myself maybe I’m overthinking it. After a new girl came they left me out their trio I had envy and jealousy because they left me out. I said something about the new trio and the girls got mad they wanted to jump me so I was tired of all the talking and I agreed to fight we never did. 5th grade summer I exercised I lost weight I looked prettier I guess well maybe to myself I did. I felt happy. I was scared of going to a new school and getting bullied. After some couple of months I made friends random people I didn’t even know called me pretty I felt happy no one has ever said that to me. Everything turned so well I was happy no one bullied me. I had good grades and got A and B honor roll. Next grade comes and school is good I meet one new friend shes but I hope she doesn’t talk bad abt me. I realized I gained weight I hate it again why can’t I stop eating. Im doing exercise but now without mental breakdowns :). My family tells me I’m gaining weight again which makes my heart drop. My grades went down so did my mental health im trying to get my grades up but I can’t I don’t know what happened I wanted to make my parents happy. I became disrespectful to my family I take out my anger on my family and i start crying and feel bad. I would get in trouble at school a lot. Im scared of big crowds and going out because i felt like people are talking about me. A boy asked me out but he was older than me so it didn’t work but I realized Im not ugly anymore maybe I still am? My life goes up and down and changes after I stopped spending time with God my life turned upside down I wanna get close to him again but it’s hard