Dedication: To all the women that have Experienced pain and don't know how strong they are
I’ll start from the beginning.
So my childhood was not good. I always felt as though I was different. I always felt as though I was alone. I was not raised by my parents and I remember just moving from house to house and not having any structure. I still didn’t let that break me. I graduated high school, and I remember walking to my graduation in my beautiful dress and my spirits were not down. I was accomplishing my goal in the mist of unstability. And then after graduation, I went to the Army, which taught me a lot. But it also gave me a lot of scars, my recruiter tried to rape me, and I had no support. On graduation day, everyone was with their family and I had no one. When I came home, it was just like a regular thing, nobody was excited or saying they missed me. I don’t remember a lot of family time and support. I learned to support myself.
So from then on I just pretty much took care of myself. I felt a huge amount of abandonment. Both of my parents were on drugs and I found out that my dad moved to another state and had more kids, all while I needed him but yet I pushed on… years later, I’m in a healthy relationship and I got pregnant. One day I was cleaning up and I felt a pain in my lower side. So I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. Called 911, went to the ER and they told me it was good that I came in because my blood pressure was too high. But I felt fine. They did an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. I was having a miscarriage… The father said he was so hurt but didn’t even show up to the hospital. But yet i pushed on. So I bought an opal crystal heart. It was shaped in the shape of a heart and I put his ashes there. I put it on top of my closet just to keep it safe there. I always look at it and touch it. And one day I came home. My door was kicked open and there were electronics taken. That did not bother me, it’s replaceable. So I go to the closet just because I want to feel his presence and it’s gone. My baby’s ashes are gone! That hurt me to my soul. I cried for months. My heart still cries sometimes but yet I pushed on.
Fast forward a few years later, I’m working. I have my apartment. I’m going to school for criminal justice. It was great. I was loving it. I was 8 months into my degree and also 7 months pregnant. I lived right down the street from the college, so the timing was perfect. On May 12, 2015, I had a doctor’s appointment, so I went to my appointment, smiling, and happy, everything was fine. So I started to have contractions when I walked up the stairs, and I felt my water break. So they rushed me back to the room and I began to give birth. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed and she finally came out, but I didn’t hear anything and I started to panic. I said, where’s my baby? What’s wrong with my baby? And she was gone. So, I had a stillborn. I carried her for all that time. Her name is Loretta. And at that moment, I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know how to feel. I just remember screaming and they had to restrain me because I was just out of it. I felt like I was in a war movie and there was like bombs going off and my hearing just went to 20% and I think I remember blacking out.
So, I leave the hospital, sad, crying. I get home. All of my cousins are there. And they are very sympathetic to my situation, hugging me and crying with me. And we do that for a while and we start to lighten the mood and start to laugh and just try to feel better. And I would say about two hours later, my phone rings and it is my aunt. And she is crying and I remember I was leaning against the refrigerator and she proceeds to say, Janelle, I’m so sorry. And I said, what are you talking about? She said, your grandmother has passed away. And I remember dropping the phone and all of my cousins were like, what’s going on? What happened? What happened? And I remember just sliding down to the ground with just a blank look on my face. I wasn’t crying, I just had a blank look. And they were all like, Janelle, are you okay? What’s wrong? And when they got the phone, everyone immediately started crying. And I was just sitting there, just blank. I was numb. I didn’t know how to feel. my grandmother, she was not sick. She was having problems with her bowels. But she was still healthy and walking around and cooking and doing everything that she normally does.
So I lost two people that I loved in one day, within hours of each other. Not to mention all the other things that I went through prior to that. I realized that I have to be a very strong person because I don’t know of too many people that could handle all of that in one lifetime. Under 35, at that. So going through that and realizing that my strength is far more greater than I thought has strengthened me and encouraged me to become the person that I am today.
I am a wonderful person with a pure spirit and a great heart. And I shine light on others. I help people to rediscover their greatness. I hope that my story has encouraged you all.
✨ So remember that you are not what you’ve been through. You are what you become after what you’ve been through.✨
✨Use your PAIN as a STEPPING STONE for GREATNESS and RESILIENCE✨