My Story

Dedication: To anyone who feels like they should give up

Know That I wrote this because if I keep bottling everything inside me I’ll burst. So I guess this is a rant that is somewhat depressing. But I’d rather let it out with the hope that I will finally be able to talk about it instead of hiding and destroying myself from the inside out because of the walls I’ve built around my heart. With that said here’s my story:

Overwhelming. Confusing. And exhausting are really the only words I can describe everything between August 23, 2018 – Present. My first surgery was Aug. 23rd And was worse than anything I could ever imagine. I got it because I had kidney stones. I remember after my surgery me crying in pain, as I tried to go to the restroom at a filthy gas station, when all I wanted to do was sleep. For a reference I never cry or scream with kidney stones, I sing. Singing is my happy place or my refuge. It’s the only thing keeping me sane. Without music, I’d lose my mind. Anyways, later I had gone to CVS to use the bathroom again and literally started screaming and repeatedly crying, “I can’t I can’t I cant I can’t I can’t do this again it hurts to much.” Because I had so many in both kidneys, they had to get them out through surgery. But it swelled up and I had to not only have stents in for a month and a half, but I had to get a second surgery. The pain was worse than I could ever imagine it being. Not only physically but mentally as well. I stopped eating, sleeping, and talking. I became a stranger in my own body. 1st week I came back and I had a mental break down because of the seemingly endless amount of medications I was on to help ease the pain. The side effects caused me to think something was wrong with me and my nose when in reality my nose was sore from the scratching I had done and the blood I had acaused. I also started mhhaving panic attacks and anxiety to the point where I’d stay up, even if I was exhausted, till 5 am because of fear. I had felt as if I was a nuisance to my friends and to everyone because I would come to them crying at least once a week. Despite there attempt to make me smile, I didn’t need someone to comfort me or help me. I just needed someone who was physically there because I can’t talk about it to myself. I need someone there. They don’t even need to listen they can just sit there and give an occasional nod. Another thing is ya know what I hate? ya When people say “I understand” because they don’t understand. I don’t even understand! How can someone understand how I feel when I don’t even know how I feel or who I am anymore! Worst part is I lost a few good friends who tried to help me so much but couldn’t take my negativity anymore which I understand. If any of them, Red etc. are reading this: thank you for all you did. I hope you still view me in a positive light. And that if I’m still here for you even if you think we’re enemies I’ll still be here for you my old friends. Anyways, the next surgery rolls up and I was more scared then I had ever been in my life. I couldn’t stop panicking and crying because i didn’t want to relive this pain over and over again. I couldn’t handle not even being able to speak to anyone without getting side track or starting to cry because my words would fill up with a flood of pain that I tried to hold in but it will never be fully released no matter how many times I cry. The events, though may seem small and dumb, but in my mind have left me traumatized and you can’t just “get better” when your traumatized. I can’t explain it to people because all they see is a broken girl who had a hard surgery and is going through a lot but is being over dramatic and wants attention and now is acting strange because she forgot how to smile and stay positive. But how I see it is a broken girl who is trying so hard to be okay. She is trying so hard to reach out and get help because she will remember everything that has happened. She realizes not only is she different but she has messed up every single thing in her life. She feels like she is going in sane yet she can’t tell anyone in the moment because in the moment she doesn’t know. And she is told to stay positive and be yourself, but how can you be yourself when you’ve lost everything in you. How can you stay positive when you feel trapped inside a room that reminds you of every single pain you’ve ever had. That’s what the broken girl sees. What’s funny is she is kinder on her darkest days. The kinder she seems the worse her day has been. I think she does this because maybe if she’s kind maybe someone will talk to her when she’s alone. But she makes herself alone, she did it too herself. She is sitting alone at lunch while her friends are laughing with each other at another table. Maybe it’s because she’d rather feel alone than lonely in a crowded room. Because lonely and alone mean two different things. Alone is being antisocial, you’re somewhat okay and just rather be by yourself and relax. Lonely is when you feel as if no one cares and as if no one would notice you were gone like usual. It makes you feel numb and broken. Being in a group of people makes it worse as well because you can’t hold a conversation neither can they. It’s just small talk at this point. That’s the difference. And it’s a gamble everyday on how much I will block out and how much I’ll act positive and lie to myself saying I’m okay when in reality I’m falling deeper into an agonizing hole with a darkness that consumes you. I don’t mean to be rude to anyone but why must people say “your overthinking” or “your being dramatic” because I work harder than it seems to stop this toxic habit of mine. Heck I’ve done so much to stop my fear of pain and what’ll happen next. It’s my flaw and people pointing it out makes me feel bad. Anyways back to topic, after my second surgery I was so happy to go days without pain. I had forgotten what having no physical pain felt like. In fact I think that was the happiest part, know it was done and that I could finally cry tears of joy and relief because the lord had finally healed me. Sadly as u read, the Joy only lasted a few days. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was in pain mentally because I said they didn’t have to deal with my rants anymore. They shouldn’t have to carry my pains when they have their own. I don’t know if I’m being selfish for talking about it and I don’t want to know either. But if your in pain remember your not alone because that is a hard feeling to stop. Next, though there’s not much to be said, is I stopped eating and sleeping though I am getting better at it, but I still don’t eat anything all day or do an all nighter from time to time. But I haven’t in a while. Maybe I am truly progressing. And maybe I am being dramatic but can you blame me? For I am a child who walked into situation with hope and came out with little hope and a lost identity. By December I was a wreck. I have anxiety panic attacks ADHD and to top it all off, depression. Isn’t that ironic? The girl who hands out candy to people to make them smile or the girl who I usually optimistic has depression. But ya I was diagnosed with depression. For me depression is a numb feeling at 3 am and I can’t cry because I have no tears left to cry. All I can do is blankly Stare as I watch my world crumble into nothing but rubble ashes and cinders. By January 2019, I basically went silent in a way. I couldn’t even rant in my journals. My panic attacks got more frequent but less intense. Either that or I’m able to catch them before they get out of hand. My anxiety has worsened, especially at night. I’ll feel as if something is going to kill me if I close my eyes or if I look away from the dark corner. I’ll stay up till 3-4 am being afraid of nothing yet everything at the same time. I know I’m afraid of the monsters I created in my head but I don’t know how to destroy them. I think part of me is hoping this’ll help. This being sharing what I’ve written in my journal. Sharing what I’ve bottled up for months now, I think finally coming out will make it easier to handle. Another thing is I hate being touched (which is ironically funny because I’m a hugger). I think this is because I so afraid of being in pain that I feel as if anyone and everyone will hurt me even if they just barely touch me. I know they won’t hurt me but I can’t take chances anymore. I won’t let myself be in so much pain again. I can’t let myself be in so much pain again. Too others I may seem like I am overreacting or wanting attention. I’m not. I’m reacting to a situation that broke me. I am not saying I don’t have hope because I do have hope. I know my story could possibly change someone’s life one day and give them the hope that was lost in a sea of darkness and despair. Even if I am broken I will always have hope. And I do have hope, even though I still have bad days, I have come so far and am so proud of myself for everything I went through. And remember no matter how much pain your in, never give up. Keep going. Because one day your story will save a life. I thank those who actually read this whole thing even if u didn’t I get why. But just remember this: you can do it, your beautiful, loved, cared for, wanted no needed! You are priceless you are Not alone. You are not your mistakes. And your not invisible. You have a purpose. You are not a waste of space. you are worth it and you are strong. I’m happy you got out of bed this morning even if it took you 30 mins I’m proud of you and glad your alive. I believe in you and I hope you have a nice day! Because today will be a good day. “Wanna know why because you are you and that’s enough” (-Dear evan Hansen quote) Today will be a good day because you are, This I promise to you,
You are perfectly imperfect

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Kennedy Leigh Colson