Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood rape and other experiences of sexual assault.
I was 9 and homeless, living in a farmhouse as me and my family didn’t have our own. I was excited to see the moving van and spend time with the farm animals. I was sad to be leaving my home behind but looked forward to the future. I played with my brothers and had fun at the farm, until I didn’t. I was the only girl with 3 brothers. I was quiet and smiled a lot. The man that lived at this farm took an interest in me, he would kiss me for a long time, make me touch him in places I’m sure you can imagine, put his hands down my small dungerees and tell me often “we shouldn’t be doing this”. I spent the next few months confused and scared but never let it show and continued to sit on his lap and smile. I didn’t tell a soul until I turned 14 or 15. I told my Mom who told the school, and then we went to the police station. I did a recorded interview, spoke to them in my home, spoke to them at school and had a social worker. I was exhausted of telling them what happened over and over again but I did it with the hope I would get justice. A few months passed by and the justice never came. The case was dropped due to a lack of evidence. I tried to be strong but from that day I wanted to give up. Multiple hospital visits followed and many sad days. I was put on medication that I’m still on. Now a few years have passed and I’m 18, I often think about what happened to me and feel I can’t tell people how sad I still am as it was so long ago and not everyone believed me. I can however, say that this is MY story and I am now in control. I refuse to let peoples words affect me long term now and know that what happened was not my fault. Tonight I was feeling down and wanted to talk to someone but didn’t want to repeat the same thing for the hundredth time to them, so I decided to share my story here. I want to say that you are not alone. Although something may still be affecting you years later it’s normal and everyone has their own recovery path. I am still on mine. Even though I didn’t get justice and not everyone believed me I am still glad I reported it. It’s better to speak out and begin healing. I couldn’t start healing until I told someone. Tell anyone even your pet, just say the words outloud so you can progress past what happened and go forward. And tell yourself “it was not my fault and I can heal” Thank you for reading 🩷