Missing piece of me

I never knew my dad other than when I was a baby. My bio parents were both addicts and I lived with my grandparents. My mom was still in my life, even though I didn’t live with her and she was in rehab/treatment a lot, she was still a part of my life, that will till she died in a car accident when I was five. Life kept going on and although she was gone not that much changed. I still had my brother and still lived with my grandparents. We then moved to a new town and life went on. I was young and I don’t remember her death affecting me as much as it did my brother. As I grew up my mom wasn’t talked about much, we would visit her grave every now and then but I didn’t really remember her so again it didn’t affect me that much. I feel wrong saying it didn’t affect me, how can your mom dying not affect you, maybe I was too young to process it, maybe because the focus was on my brother, maybe because I still had parents, or maybe it did affect me and I just don’t remember. Getting older was the toughest part, I had this constant reminder that I could’ve had more time with her, that my whole life would be different if she were here. I forgave my mom for not being the mom she should’ve been. I knew she struggled with addiction but through all that, she was still there. My dad on the other hand was not, as a kid I don’t even think I remembered him or even had a thought of having a father, I never questioned it because I had my grandpa. I never forgave my dad. When I turned 18 I found his Facebook and my other grandparents. I found out my dad went off and had his own family, I then later found out he is in jail for drugs. I didn’t forgive him because he didn’t ever try and stay in my life or contact me, he gave up and started a new family and had another daughter. I don’t know if I’m wrong for not forgiving him, maybe he did try to fight for me, or maybe he sent letters and my grandparents threw them away. I know that my life is better without him but I just wanted to feel wanted, to be reminded that my dad didn’t forget that I existed. I wanted an explanation and an apology. My childhood was broken but my grandparents were there so I guess I never really felt it. Now that I’m older I do. I miss my mom every day and wish I could be with her and I am constantly reminded of my father not being in my life. So that leaves me still with my grandparents which is more than enough they have given me everything and so much love and support but yet I still feel a piece of me missing.