Just four years

The feelings we have for a first lover will always be different because these are the people who walked us into a world no words can explain. What happens after breaking up? This is my story.

When I was 13 I had my first love. We went to the same school,in the same class. It is crazy that i dont even remember how we started dating or how long we were dating. Nobody knew about us for a while; I never told anybody about us but I guess he ended up telling his friends about the relationship. Word spread fast and a lot of people in school knew about us. We were so lowkey that some people told me that they do not believe that it is true, they said we acted just like normal classmates; I guess we cared a lot about privacy.  I remember how happy i was around him. Months passed by and it was year end. We said our goodbyes to each other since we had to go for holidays. It seems like that was the last goodbye kiss. When the holidays where over and school resumed we acted like strangers. It was a new year, I dont know why we had done this to each other but for me there was no reason to act in such way. I guess that was how we silently broke up. Nobody said nothing to the other. It was in that year that i thought one year  to accept, another to heal, one more to move on and one last to be completely fine. Just four years, i thought, four years and i will be fine. I started working on my self. Break ups are never easy, I was only 14. Sometimes you feel fine other times you feel like you are in day one of the breakup. Around October that year I learned that he smokes weed just a few months after I met his older brother. I felt really dissapointed and also behind the reason why he did what he did.

The following year he started drinking alcohol excessively and would miss school more often. The year went on and we learned how to become cool with each other. Everytime we talked we tried hiding our feelings from each other. It was in this year that he had another girlfriend, I got to know this after some time but i was cool with it even though it did hurt me everytime I saw him standing with another girl. At the end of the year there was a party we both attended. We drank alcohol and had a great time with our different friends. I got so high and went after him. When I got to him i dont quite remember what i said to him but i remember him saying that he had to do something and he would get back to me immediately. I ended up going home without seeing him again. He would call or text me every now and then telling me that he misses me. I missed him too, I just couldn’t admit it. Another year came and i met him while i was with my bestfriend. We talked like regular people but our eyes told the truth,he then told me that he wanted to talk to me. That was the last time i saw him. Later on he called and said that he wanted us to get back together. I could not give him an exact answer.

During lockdown he kept reaching out to me. I no longer wanted to go back, i wanted to move forward and forget about the past, only that i could not tell him. I kept him going in circles for the rest of the year and the next. This year is the fifth year since the silent breakup and i remembered that i told myself that it would only be four years. For these four years I never loved anyone else but him. I had to move away from him but he kept coming back to me. I am a good friend of his older brother but could not become a friend of his because of our unsettled past. After talking to my best friend about my situation, i finally had the courage to talk to him. Since i was not in town i called him. I asked him to allow us to break the cycle that we had, to let me go. I could tell the pain behind the voice i was talking to. He told me that he doesn’t know if he could ever manage gettin through it but i hope he does. Now i guess i have the title “heartbreaker”. He will always be someone i love, we just have to move on with our lives. Its funny how nobody ever gave me that feeling i had when he was my lover because he is the only lover that i have ever had.

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A reserved girl.