Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains descriptions of childhood rape and sexual assault.

I was 5 when I lost my childhood. I had to come to terms with what life would be like without having the one thing that someone I loved could take from me. But instead of being someone I loved, a family member who hurt me and wasn’t supposed to. Now, let’s back up. I was born on March 28, 2000. I had a brother who was born in 2002. My parents lived in this older house. It was my brother, T, my dad, B, my mom, K, and me, I. My mom and dad were together for about four more years after they had me, but they were very violent to each other. My brother saw more than I did and was affected by it more than I was, and just like that, he and my cousin David became “brothers.” My brother lost both parents because they didn’t know how to raise him, and he needed someone there for him. So my dad moved out, and we moved into my aunt M for a little bit till my dad could get on his feet again, and that’s when it happened when I became someone I didn’t want to be when I lost all of my laughing, happiness, and most importantly my childhood.
We all went to my grandma’s house, about an hour north of us: my dad, David, and my two other cousins. We had a good day, all laughing, all fun, and just having a good time like kids do. So we went to bed that night. It was me by the TV in the living room, my younger cousin behind me, his older brother behind him, and then David on the bed behind the couch. We all fell asleep, and the next time I knew, I felt someone touching my vagina, rubbing on it as a little girl would do; I looked around; everyone was asleep, and I told my cousins, that are sleeping by me, to leave me alone now they both said they did nothing in a sleepy voice so I go back to bed thinking it didn’t happen. I wake up again to know something is trying to get in my pants, and I pretend I’m sleeping. The next thing I knew, I felt these fingers rubbing my vagina; now I was so young that I got scared because I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t right. I didn’t know who was doing it because I wanted to think it wasn’t real. The next thing I knew, I felt someone picking me up and bringing me to a bed. I still had my eyes shut. Then, he laid me down and started undoing my pants. Then my panties slid down, and everything from the waist down was off.

I didn’t know what to do. I just shut my eyes because nothing was happening in my mind if I didn’t see anything. I was in a different world. I was somewhere happy and colorful, then the next thing I knew, I was in a white and black place and everything was scary. There was only one reason for this: he put his penis in me, and everything just went black. Everything went away. I was dead inside. I had to go pee, and I couldn’t control my blatter, so I got up and pulled my underwear and pants up and said, “Oh, I’m sorry; how did I get here,” and you wanna know what this fucker said, “you’ve always wanted to sleep up here with me so I brought u up here.” I went to the bathroom and peed my insides and outsides, burning every time I moved that night. Then, from there on out, it happened until I was in 2nd grade at his mom’s house. He would have me watch movies with him, put the blanket over us, and make me touch his penis and rub it. He would molest me to the point where I didn’t want to go to the bathroom anymore because it would hurt so much, and I would cry, but I wouldn’t say anything to anyone because I thought I was helping him do bad things, and that I would get yelled at. A couple of years later, in 4th grade, I finally told my counselor at the school, and that will always be my biggest regret. After all, my brother lost his best friend because I said something; my dad could never trust his sister again, and my mom blamed my dad and made it about how she was going to cope with it, and everyone was so worried about everything else that no one once said to me I’m sorry, and it’s not your fault. If you didn’t understand who did it, it was my cousin David. He raped me when I was four; he took my life away, and he never got anything for it, so I just want to say FUCK YOU, DAVID.