Finding and Forgiving Yourself

Dedication: Badboyhalo and Skeppy: without knowing it, they have changed my life forever. My middle school friends: Thank You. Without you tearing me down, I would have never been motived to come up and find my real best friends and true love. My best friends, family, and love: Thank You so much, for always being there for me, even in my darkest hour. I look forward to making new happy memories with all of you:)!

This is my story on how I overcame hardships in my life, and found myself again, even though I had believed that I wouldn’t. And I hope that at least one person finds this story and is inspired by it.

In middle school, I was not the coolest kid. I was extremely introverted and was so scared to let people in. I was alone for the first three months of school. Then, one day, I met four people, who would change my life drastically. Those four people, I cautiously let into my life, and slowly but surely, they grew on me. We became a squad. We were each others chosen family. Life was going so well, until one day, I started developing feelings for my friend, and he started developing them for me too. My other friend, however, (despite having a bf) became jealous and started openly flirting with him, while my friends would cheer her on, bluntly ignoring my crush. Not long after, the squad broke up, and my crush and I were no longer friends. It had broken me so much, having so many people who I had let in leave my life just like that.The people that I was left with, my two friends for the next two years at that school, kept tormenting me about my crush, and kept threatening to stop being friends with me and talk to me, if I didn’t act like or become the person that they wanted me to be. There, I made the worst decision of my life and became the worst possible version of myself. This version of me was cold, and uncaring, not even batting an eye when hurting others. I had even started to play with the crush’s feelings, trying to see if he still felt the same about me. Then, I had made some of the worst decisions that I ever had in my life. When the end of eighth grade started coming around, I was so crushed when I realized: none of my friends were going to the same high school as me. I was so busy worrying about this, that I barely even noticed what was going around me. Then Covid hit.

While people dying and businesses crashing is obviously very horrible, the Covid-19 pandemic helped me a bit. During Covid, I was stuck at home, doing nothing all day. Then, one day, I had done something that would change my life forever.

Summer after eighth grade, I started watching Badboyhalo and Skeppy. While this sounds absolutely insane, they really helped me heal, but maybe not in a way you would think. Long story, but somehow, I started reading Skephalo fanfics on wattpad- (not my brightest moment😅-). But reading the fanfics, I had come across some, which portrayed the people as high school extroverts, the ones everyone loved and were friends with. I started to realize, that hey, everything seems great for them. And thats the person who I want to be. Extroverted and kind. I had even joined the wattpad community, where I talked with a bunch of other people for hours on end, whom I became really great friends with. From there on out, I decided that that is the person that I want to be, extroverted and kind (and somewhat popular😅-). I also had read Me before You by JoJo Moyes, which further inspired me to live life to the fullest, because you only get one.

Going into High School, I was the most happy and extroverted kid ever, and I was really happy with how everything was going. I had met a lot of new people, became friends with some, and maybe even found some really amazing friends. I had even blocked my toxic friends from middle school and life was going so great. Then, one day, all of my friends started drifting away, and I felt alone again. One of these friends, whom I had gotten really close with in a month, ditched me, and decided that I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with him. This hurt a bit, but I didn’t really mind, as long as he was happy, it didn’t matter who he hung out with. Then, one day, I met this guy. I wasn’t in love or anything, but I wanted to become friends with him. We got semi-close, and I was super happy. Until he also inevitably ditched me, when he thought that I had a crush on him. I didn’t know this at the time, and though that he ditched me just for being me. If that wasn’t enough, then my mom got cancer. I was so confused again. I felt like the word hated me. But I didn’t care. I figured, this was my karma for what happened and what I did in middle school. It was my turn to suffer for what I made other people suffer. There, I had reached one of the lowest points in my life besides middle school.

Everything in life just seemed really dreary and pointless until I met my best friends, and true love. I had recently met these girls, who I was in some of the same classes with and we decided to hang out a bit. In a couple short months, we became the best of friends and constantly hung out. We had a real connection. We could always make each other laugh, and we were always there for each other. Thats when I knew, I had found my people, my unrelated family, who would back me up no matter what, and always stick up for me, and stay by me no matter what. I’m so grateful and thank God everyday for bringing them into my life. Once my best friends and I started hanging out a bunch, and I became super happy, I would soon meet my true love.

There was this boy, who I had classes with. He had just started coming to school in person from zoom. I started talking to him out of the blue one day. I still don’t know why I did, but I honestly think that it may have been fate. From the first time I had talked to him, I could always be my true self around him, and we started hanging out with each other. From texting each other everyday, to calling everyday, to having lunch together everyday, we (not slowly-) rapidly and surly became best friends. Though, low key, I was semi waiting for the day he would decide to leave me too, seeing as I wasn’t good enough for him. But that day never came. I started developing feelings for him, and never in a million years would I have though he liked me back. One day, he finally confessed to me that he liked me, and ever since that day, I’ve just felt like I’ve been living in such a long and amazing dream. Like, everything just feels so unreal.

Now, I’ve found the real me. The person that I want to be. I’ve found my real friends, the ones who flipped a guy off for me and have and will always stuck by me no matter what. I’ve found my one true love, my boyfriend, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person who is constantly encouraging me to be the best version of myself, and constantly telling me that I’m amazing and beautiful, and saying how much he loves me. I’ve even reconnected with one of my friends from middle school, giving her a second chance.

In the end, I’ve learned, maybe, even though I’ve made bad decisions, I can forgive myself, move on, be happy. I’ve also learned that I can change. I am who I am, and I am the person that I want to be.

To whoever is reading this, know, the situation that you are in is not permanent. You will find a way, and you will be happy. Also know that I am on your side, and I am supporting and cheering for you along the sidelines:). I hope that my story helped inspire you somehow and hope that you have an amazing day:D!!