Dear, mom

Hey there. Today I’m going to be writing once and for all. People think it’s a healthy outlet for emotions. At least now, that I can’t talk to anyone, it’s the only thing keeping me sane. A story, all 14 years of my life, well at least what I remember of it. I always had to lie in school assignments, when people wrote about their lovely caring mothers. The thing is I didn’t always lie, as much as I hate to admit it I loved her, I always loved her, I still love her, even after all she’s done to me; do i think she deserves it? — no, i really don’t. She doesn’t deserve any of it. A loving family for her to abuse, for her to break. If things don’t go HER way she loses it. I always have to be the thing she takes it out on. When i was little i vividly remember it being physical. A little freshly bruised, nine year old, crying in the hands of her grandmother, who was trying to put ice cubes on her wounds. She tried preventing them, but she was cripple, she couldn’t do anything about it. I knew it broke her, that she had to watch, or hear it happen, unable to help me at those many times, i thought of picking up that damned phone and calling the police, but i couldn’t , I couldn’t live without her. I loved her, I didn’t want to lose her, I still saw her as my mother. Slowly I got used to the pain. I figured, she wouldn’t go as far to actually kill me you know, my mother and all. She didn’t, I knew she still loved me, but i couldn’t see it anymore in her eyes. Along with the pain, the love I saw disappeared. I couldn’t see my reflection in her eyes anymore, they were monstrous, vengeful, hateful and vicious for this helpless little girl. This is all blurry, but i remember the teenage years, oh then it got the worst it’s ever been. The pain came back. But this time, it was different. It burned me, devoured me from inside out. It broke me mentally. We would get into huge fights over anything. She would treat me like an animal, telling me to go fetch, calling me horrible names. I was nothing in her eyes. And I, too, believed I was nothing. I didn’t even deserve to live, if my own mother despised me. I thought about it, but i could never do such a thing. Not to my brother, not to my grandma, not to my father, and never to her. She embarrassed me in front of everyone. I was a burden to society, to the world, to her… This is when pain took over me. I started to take it out on my family, my little brother. I loved him with all my heart, I just didn’t know how to express it. And she never admitted it. This was the worst part. She always found a reason, a way for her to be the victim. I went to school. There I could finally be myself,I could finally smile. But then she started demanding that i’d come straight home from school. I wasn’t able to hang out with my friends, and soon enough, they drifted away too. I had no one, nobody. Back to square one. Me, myself and I, and you all, I guess. Here I am.. Writing this stupid thing that nobody will ever read, crying over my stupid life.

Btw, i still love you mom