There has never been an example of a healthy relationship in my entire family lineage, so how do you expect me to build a home when every blueprint I’ve ever been handed was already on fire? How do you expect me to look gently when every version of love I was raised on came with teeth? I’m terrified that when love reaches me and meets me with patience and kindness, I will not know what to do with it.
No one ever led me to believe that love could be calm without meaning that someone was about to walk out the door. Sometimes, when you are gentle with me, my body does not know how to accept it.
The kindness feels suspicious, and there’s a ticking time bomb inside me, just waiting for you to turn into someone else. Waiting for you to become a monster. But I promise I’m trying. God knows that I’m trying! I’m trying to believe that being loved does not always mean I need to prepare for the worst, but I’m still trying to build a house with hands that only ever learned how to put out fires. I’m afraid I will never know how to live in a house that isn’t burning.
So, if one day you find me standing in the middle of something good, looking confused, it’s because no one ever showed me that two people could hold each other without also holding a weapon! So please forgive me if I don’t recognise peace when I’m standing in it.
I would like to think I’ve received my fair share of chaos in this lifetime. Every storm, every clap of thunder took a part of me that I can never get back, no matter how hard I try. It changed me in ways I never even realised.
It is easy to say you’re healed when you’re alone, living your life. But the moment you add someone else to the equation, that is when the true test begins.
The test of faith. The test of courage. The test of willingness. The test of acceptance. The test of self-awareness. Most importantly, the test of forgiveness!