I got married at 30 years old (a couple of weeks before 31) ten years ago. I didn´t know it then but I was so young. In many ways, so inmature. I´ve seen a couple of posts on social media this year of people celebrating their ten year anniversary, ten years of marriage. They look happy in the photos they are posting, reminiscing all of their good times. Who knows what they have been through in those ten years. Many of them, have added one or two kids to their family, so I can´t imagine that life, because it´s been far from mine.
To be honest, and those who know me know, if asked ten years ago, I would have definitely seen myself as those people who have posted. I would have posted something like ¨It hasn´t been easy, but it has been worth it.¨ Something along those lines. Or at least with that person I did marry at 30 I would have posted that. Because it would not have been easy. There may have been (as of those people) one of two kids in the picture.
Instead life has taken me into a roller coaster of experiences: good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, beyond scary (some terrifying), depressing, too good to be true, all of it and more. I haven´t had a child, I am still unsure if someone will ever call me ´mami´ or ´mom´, nor have I had a miscarriage or can know what it´s like to be with a partner for 10, 15 or even 20 years, as some of my friends.
But- I have learned. I have learned in other ways that maybe other 41 years old have not. I´ve dated an addict (hate that word but what other word could I use?), gotten in the family bank for an adoption process (last milestone before getting assigned a child), gotten re-married, fallen in love (more than once), discovered what it is like to have a healthy, romantic relationship, felt too undeserving of ´good things´, lost loving people to suicide, felt jealous (more than once) of pregnancy announcements (at the same time not really, because what is the need to post everything online?), lost my patience with the nonprofit I started, got rejected (very much) from the nonprofit I started, lived in different houses under different budgets, gotten in debt, paid some off that debt, had a mysterious injury on my right ankle that let do to a simple surgery (one I prayed for) and finally… been uping and downing my dose of lexapro.. for the past ten years.
I don´t know what it´s like to be a mom, although I have surrounded myself with babies and children and have seen all types of parenting styles and struggles. I don´t know what it´s like to have a miscarriage, or many miscarriages, like so many women around me, but I do know what it´s like to feel like I was meant to be a mom and accepting that it may or may not happen. Or maybe I have not accepted that all… yet.
I don´t know what it´s like to be with someone for ten years, but I did find the healthiest, most beautiful and easiest romantic relationship I have ever had. When I hear other people´s struggles as a couple, I don´t feel deserving of my drama-free relationship.
I don´t know what it´s like to have a pretty-stable-middle-income family life that many 41 year olds have had. But, I´ve had uncountable adventures and hikes in nature that I may not have lived if I was more stable, if I had kids or more bills to pay.
I don´t know where my life would be if I would be celebrating 10 years of marriage. But it doesn´t matter. The amount of growth I had from my separation from that person whom I can´t relate at all, whom I haven´t seen since they left me 7 years ago, can´t be measured easily.
I´ve felt like I´ve grown, yes, but it has been lately, seeing those 10 year anniversary posts where it´s truly hit me. The amount of growth can´t be described in words. Never did I imagine that such pain (it was so painful when he left) will eventually let me heal and grow into a more ´me´ person, a more secure and … yes, at the end of the day, a happier person. I hate that I will always be a divorcee (even though I am re-married so it doesn´t even come up) but that divorce led me to so much learning. I guess no regrets.