Dedication: Any sexual abuse survivors
Hello there, my name is Marley, I am 28 years old and I am a rape survivor.
Since the sexual assault, my dad has seen some profound changes in me. First of all, I was completely estranged from my mother as my mother has denied that anything even happened while she was in Vegas and I was left in the defendant’s care. This has been a very difficult change in my life as I was always close to my mother. Birthdays, Christmas and other family traditions always bring sadness and grief to me. I miss my mom. I was also concerned for my mom and my sister because I know what kind of man they are living with and what he is capable of. This estrangement has been a cruel result of the sexual attack. Meghan, my own sister, is also in denial that anything inappropriate took place while they were holidaying in Vegas and Shayne was left behind to act as guardian for me. This has been very difficult for me to deal with as I don’t trust Shayne to be even around my sister. My relationship with my sister has been very strained since the attack. I hoped that one day, both my mother and sister would come to realize that I was in fact telling the truth and that my mother’s husband did get me drunk and sexually attack me that night. My sexuality has changed since the attack as well. I always identified myself as bisexual or pansexual. But since being attacked by someone I liked and trusted, I now say, “I don’t trust men.” I considered myself exclusively as a lesbian after the attack. I cut off all of my beautiful long hair. I had put on a considerable amount of weight, and changed my look completely. One of my cousins commented “I would have never recognised you.” In 2021, I asked my dad if I could wear a “binder” which my dad didn’t even know what that was. My dad asked me why I wanted a binder and I said “To hide my breasts.” My dad asked me, why I would want to hide my breasts? I answered , “The assault changed me daddy. Everything is different now.” My dad asked me if wanting to hide my breasts was a result of being touched and fondled by Shayne? I said “Yes.” I now identify as non-binary and now recognise a newly found masculine side to my personality. To describe me today, I now use the pronouns “Them” “They” and “Their.” These massive changes in my life have happened after June 9th, 2019; since the assault.
Shortly after the assault I was referred to a specialist by my GP and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder displaying all of the symptoms of a woman who had been attacked. I have threatened suicide on more than one occasion and the city’s police have been to our apartment to talk me down. We had six officer’s at the apartment one night and they did an excellent job of helping and reassuring me. I have had flashbacks of the night of the attack. I have suffered audio hallucinations (voices in my head) which were misdiagnosed. Since the assault, these voices have intensified. I also did have visual hallucinations. When I was feeling stressed or anxious, or something triggered a memory of the assault, I would see something I called it “The Ghost.” This ghost is “all black” not white and I said it was Shayne, my attacker. This is something NEW for me and a symptom that developed only AFTER the attack.
Besides the drastic changes to my appearance, I have had issues with my digestion since the attack as well. For almost TWO YEARS I would vomit up my food by just thinking of the assault. I would throw up in public, in restaurants and too many times at home that I can count. My GP has tried everything to try to calm my stomach down. For almost two years I suffered with horrible bouts of vomiting after meals. I have really changed since this obscene and criminal sexual assault. I would like to also say, Victim Services has been very supportive toward me, recognises my needs and providing every possible support available to me. I have been in counselling ever since the assault.
My only fear is seeing Shayne my attacker again. I also feel that seeing my mother would be very awkward for me as I haven’t spoken to my mom for five years and feel that I can never TRUST my mother ever again. I feel that my mother has “shown her true colours” but also put both my mom and my sister in harm’s way bringing a person like Shayne into their home, without discussing it with them first and him turning out to be a sexual predator as soon as my mother’s back was turned. I trusted Shayne. I even liked Shayne. But certainly not anymore. I feel like I can’t trust men now. I feel fearful at night. Sleep is a problem. I get scared. I say “I will always sleep with my door closed from now on.” In conclusion, when my parents split up and then divorced because of an adulterous 1 1⁄2 year affair my mother had with the defendant, my dad became very concerned about my relationship with my mother. I reasoned “ Well, if mommy has decided to stop loving daddy. What will happen if she decides to stop loving ME?” My dad assured me that THAT would never happen. So did my mother. And now here we are. My worst fears are reality and now my mother has chosen a man who molested her own daughter over her disabled daughter who is the victim in this. This has been such a tragic, damaging and violent event in my life. And even though so many people ( counsellors, police officers, our crown lawyer and judges) have come to help and support me and to see me have my day in court, and receive the justice that I so rightly deserves, NO ONE will ever be able to “give back” what this criminal act, this sexual assault, has taken a away from me. No one can ever give back what I lost.