Crawling out the dark

First of all, i want to thank every single soul that takes the time to read my story.
i also want to start out by making clear it truly IS possible for anyone to start making change for the better, if you truly want it.
My intentions of posting my story here is to inspire others and help them recognize who they are and what they really want in this life.
Stay with me here, i’m gonna start from the beginning of my spiritual journey and its gonna be a bit depressive and not really all happy feelings, but ive realized i’ve needed every ”painful” experience was in fact a lesson i needed to learn to become the best version of myself.

The first 12/13 years of my life i was a really happy kid, There was really not much in this world that could keep me down, it is in those years i feel like i have really bonded with my inner self even though i did not realize it at this age, reflecting back on those years of my life has learned me many things.
These times also allowed me to greatly bond with my mother for wich i am forever grateful, My dad being a football/soccer coach and my 2 brothers playing in the team, they would never be home and my dad wouldn’t really look at me because he was focussed on my 2 brothers and their sports, so it was mostly me and my mom, my mom being a chronic fatigue patient made it difficult for her to always give me te attention and playtimes i wanted as a kid, There was a real sense of understanding how others felt really early in my life that just accepted it and starting figuring things out on my own, so i learned myself how to ride a bike, and this is where my love for the world really started to grow, once i was able to ride my bike to whatever place my heart desired was really amazing.
Now i wanna look back to my school times, My primary education was amazing and horrible at the same time, for some reason i was really really loved by those kids. i was the most popular boy in my school for 6 years literaly having people follow me around at all times. Then once i turned 13 i went to secundary education, This is where things really started to turn bad, it was like entering a whole new world where i really didnt mean anything, i went from the most loved person in my school to a nobody in a new one, From being one of the most loved kids, to a kid no one cared about, at this age and time it really crushed my soul..not understanding what went so wrong, this really started messing with my head and it made me feel really stressful and lonely, it was at this time my journey really started.
I would stay home from school a lot because i HATED every second of being there, and by staying home the kids/teachers started throwing insults towards me, saying i’m just a lazy kid that doesnt even try to fit in and all that, i’ll never forget some of the things grown up teachers have told me, on the other hand i am happy it happend the way it did because this triggered my self growth, i finished my 1st year there and then swapped schools because the teachers became way to much for me, next school same thing happend, swap school again, same thing happend.
At this point of my life i was about 15/16 years old at this time, truly lost in a dark place. i can’t even begin to write down all of the negative and dark thoughts my mind were creating in these times, at this point of my life it was clear something was getting worse, i would always feel tired no matter how much rest i had, always felt depressive, turning to docters who just pointed me around saying “you just don’t wanna go to school”
my dad telling me it’s all in my head, all those docters/teachers telling me it’s just in my head, really made me doubt the way i felt and it made me not listen to myself, after a lot of struggling with this we went to a new docter, and finally for the first time i really felt like she actually listened to me and understood me, not just saying i’m tired of school but actually recognizing a problem, after some serious time of being depressive and struggling with this, They came to the conclusion, i am also a chronic fatigue patient, When the doctor told me this i really didnt know how to feel, in a way i was really happen he said it because now atleast i knew what was going on was not just in my head..or was it? on the other hand i felt really sad because i would be stuck with it for the rest of my life. It was at this point, the age of 16 i completely dropped out of school because it was rather impossible to attend every class and learn while being this tired and depressed, after long searching we found a way i could work on a farm for 3 hours a day, 4 days a week, This was awesome for me as i really love farmwork and animals etc etc, yet i didnt feel happy, being in a very very toxic relationship wich is a whole other story on its own, it just didnt feel right, but i stuck with it till the day i turned 18 years old, i quit the job and started sitting at home, figuring out what i wanted to do with my life, it was also at this time i had ended the toxic relationship, i should add me being with this girl that didn’t really allow me to see anyone besides her/dropping out of school made me lose everyone i ever had, when i ended the relationship it was really just me ready for some good things, i totally loved the freedom i had, i would go partying, drinking, smoking and all those things..After 1 year of doing this, discovering Cannabis and other drugs, it became boring very quickly and i realized this is really NOT why i am here on this planet, It made me really confused because this 1 year was the most amazing time i’ve had in forever and yet it didn’t make me feel complete, I started noticing the friends you make while out partying really don’t care about you at all, once stop you going out, they will forget you in a blink, this made me really confused and sad again because i had thought i really found happiness and it didn’t last. it was at this point i got a pretty bad Cannabis addiction. I’m 19 at this point, the Cannabis addiction got me rounded up around some pretty messed up souls, doing other hard drugs, ive experienced with them, and got into a 3 month like addiction/crisis with ampethamines, The first 2 weeks were just so amazing, this burden of always being tired was totally gone, i felt good i felt happy but after 3 weeks of it, i stopped feeling the euphoria and active mood, Coming down from it was the absolute worst. i felt like i hit 3 times deeper than rock bottom, completely lost, lonely, knowing i had to stop this and get my act together. Being awake for 100+ hours at times completely isolated in my room ive started reflecting on every litle thing that had happend, not understanding how this could get so out of hand so quickly, i felt deeply ashamed for being me..untill at some point it just turned,
in all those last years i’ve read a lot about spirituallity and other things, living by those quotes and all but not really living by know what i mean? its like i had the wisdom to get better but i just never really let it into my life,fighting every feeling i felt, 100% focused on the negative, I’ve always been very very highly sensative and i’ve always had this feeling like, i don’t know how or when, but i will change the world for the better. i truly care for animals and people more than anything this world, Now i got so far off this road, that i couldn’t even see how it would be possible to change for the better. years and years of negative thinking, reading bad things, feeling horrible feelings it felt like i would never be able to be possitive again, like it was hardwired in my brain and the damage was done, Yet there still was this overwhelming feeling of “you will make it through this, you will change for the better” like something in the universe that wouldn’t give up on me even though i had already given up on myself. This feeling i really allowed to enter my mind,body and soul. it was at this point everything that had happend in my life, had a reason, those hard times many of wich i didn’t actually cover in this story because it is not the point, many of those hard times where in i’ve always asked myself, what have i done to deserve this? i have good intentions and i want to help and change people, why is this what i am getting in return? Reflecting back on this i am in a way ashamed of how much of my misery i created myself by focussing on it, instead of focussing on what i really want in my life. But i accept everything that has happend, every insult thrown towards me, every experience that made me feel really sad, i love and appreciate those things because without them, i wouldn’t be the person i am today.
This is somewhat my story, not everything that has happend in my life has been covered in it for some reaons.
Anyway now the part i am most excited about, HELPING YOU!

1. being lost : For any lost soul, not knowing how to get out this dark night, feeling they really never will fit in, completely lost in this world, you CAN change.
Reflect back on everything that has happend to you in the past, every feeling that you pushed away because you didn’t want to feel it, ALLOW them in your body/mind/soul, feel those feelings, try to look what those experience want to learn you! This is gonna be really weird for some people, but the experiences that hurt you and you totally ignored it, those are OPEN wounds in your soul. Talk to your inner child, tell them its okay and that they ARE loved and that you WILL make it through anything life throws at you, get the connection with your inner child back, I felt really stupid doing this but i was stunned by the effects it had on my mood and overal happiness, Once you see the bigger picture and the ways of the universe shaping you it truly becomes so beautiful, accept what you are, visualize what you want to become and become it.

2. Law of attraction / quantum physics : the law of attraction is absolutely amazing and i feel should be known and practiced by anyone walking this planet, You need to truly visualize what you want in your life, what you want to attract to you, and FULLY believe it, if you believe it for 99% only it won’t come to you! you need to really feel it, smell it, live it..all in your imagination. Pointing back to what i said earler about everything being in my head..”or was it?” this made my realize i shaped my own reality back when i was 13-18, i had always focussed on the negative, sending out negative thoughts into the world that came back to me and shaped my reality, no matter how good your intentions are, it your vibrating on a low frequency this it was you will attract. PLEASE REFLECT ON THIS.

3. Kill the EGO: start loving yourself, this was really hard for me as my thought process always went “i dont give a **** about this life anymore, in my eyes i’m already burried.” right don’t do that, you ARE worth it, just as every other living thing on this planet! start telling yourself you CAN do it and you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else! instead of checking your phone when you wake up, take 5 simple minutes to tell yourself this, that you are grateful for the gift of life, love yourself people. this has an insane effect on your mood, starting the day in a positive way is very underrated.

4. Be aware of what is happening around you: When you are a highly sensitive person like myself, you will get overwhelmed by other people’s feelings and thoughts, be aware that this energy and feelings are NOT yours! just take them in on a neutral level, think about it and see what you want to do with them. but whatever you do, DONT let them overwhelm your own feelings and energy. this was very important for me.

i think this is everything i have to tell you for now, I just wanted to do this to inspire others to do the same, it truly is possible. after 5 years of not being happy for 1 full day i’ve become the happiest i have ever been in my life and i’m feeling very loved and energized and inspired. now i want to spread this into the world by sharing my story.

I want to say thank you for taking the time to read this, even though my english is not very good!
Sending love to all of you, Be the change you want to see. tell yourself you are worth it, and spread love.
thanks so much to all of you