Toxic relationship and how i managed to come out of it

Dedication: No

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it includes descriptions of rape and sexual assault.

I had a relationship for 4 years and my boyfriend cheated on me in first 6 months but then he convinced me that he loves me and only me and wants to change so i gave him then we were going good but then the same girls tells me that they never broke up i was shattered wanted to kill myself so i attempted my first suicide but failed because my mom entered the room he found about all of this and started giving me sympathy and showed some fake love i accepted him again the next few months were so smooth that it made me believe that “he is the one” then he tells me to have sex with him i didn’t but he says “if you love me have to give me your virginity” and i agreed but i said i will not have it unless i want to he agreed and then he invited me to his friends place and i went there the room was really smelly and uncomfortable but he starts kissing me forcefully and then he is voilent,aggressive He rapes meThe very first time he rapes me i was screwing begging him to stop but he was going on and on my dreams shattered i was choking painfully and then he finishes till then i lost my hope of saving myself i was dying but he was happy because he thought i am never going to leave him and then after days he starts acting more possessive more protective he stopped me from wearing short clothes and he stopped me from seeing my friends he made me believe that noone would ever love me because i am not a virgin and i am too blessed to have him beside day my friend convinced me to leave him But it doesn’t stop here he started doing drugs i found out i wanted to save him he used to send his videos while doing drugs with his nose bleeding i was guilty because he said he did it because i left him he asked me to come back i went back for the sake of saving him every penny i had each amount of money i invested him so i could help him get out i believed that god sent me for helping him so continued helping him i paid every money he took from people to do drugs i wanted to buy dresses and stuffs like any other girl but i never thought anything about me i did everything selflessly the only thing i ever asked is “change and love me” i thought that he would never leave me because i saved him but no he didn’t he cheated on me a month later and kept me in darkness that i don’t deserve to be loved i am a piece of shit i never knew he cheated and honestly never found out till then. He continued to have a physical relationship with me and behind my back approaching girlsHe never allowed me to get out of my house and whenever i went he told me stay on call so i don’t talk to anyone else he used give me love bites so people don’t approach me he told my friends that i am a characterless girl so my friends leave me and i only have him in my life he sent my nudes to people he uploaded nudes on facebook He still threatens me to leak all my nudes i am from a middle class Indian family and my parents would never forgive me for this so i had to go through it all i remember how he used to crush my face on a wall and say “how i am so unlucky to have a girl like you” please die you don’t deserve anything you are a prostitute because you talk to your male friends i lost my thick hair i lost my weight i lost my smile i had suicidal cuts on my body my lips were badly bruised my heart broke daily i choked myself to death because he said those words whenever i wanted to breakup he used to have sex with me so i don’t leave him he made his family believe that i am the worst girls and here i was convincing my family for marrying him he ran from his house and his parents wanted to file a case against me i was angry and frustrated i yelled at him and he commits suicide and then blames it all on me his family his friends him everyone stood against me and at that point i literally had no one to talkHe said i had to f*ck him regularly so he knows my Friend didn’t touch me so i did i went whenever he called me because i wanted to show him that i love him but i told him that i don’t want to do it anymoreI met my Friend at his place because i was sad and needed advice and he found out he still calls me characterless for meeting my friend that day We broke up on 1-03-2019 and he raped me again on 9-03-2019 so bad that i couldn’t pee and couldn’t sit or stand and when he knew he can’t have me back now he started threatening to kill me or sending my nudes and telling my friends what type of a girl i was Now i know he cheated on me and now i know how many girls he has been kissing forcefully its really hard to accept that the guy i thought is the one turns out to be the worst i gave the love to myself and learned to appreciate my worth and taking shit from no one if i can do it you can do it too just know that this is not the end.

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Sayali waghmare

20 years old New delhi(india)