the life that sucks

Dedication: my friend on that different continent.

my life has been screwed from the start, my dad left before i was born. when i was 4 i was the first to see my step-grandfather commit suicide. my parents are abusive. my grandparents are alcoholics who smoke pot. i didn’t come out right, so i couldn’t even walk properly until i was 8. i have mental trauma from those experiences, almost got labeled with autism, and i’m probably bi-polar because my real father was. I get super angry sometimes and think of killing myself but i don’t want to die or go to hell so i wont. I have 3 younger siblings, i do laundry for 6 people, i love singing and drawing and have been admired for this but everything i was told crushed those dreams. speaking of dreams, because of the suicide incident i wake up crying from nightmares of being shot in the chest. i take medications that allegedly help ADHD but it just makes me pissed off. My grades suck because i want to just go sleep and never wake up. my innocence was ruined in 2nd grade. i have belt marks on my legs from yesterday because of the grades. I also think about murder but i wont because i don’t want to go to hell. i have a softball bat, sometimes i just want to use it. oh, and also my siblings all hate me, so i got that going. I think i’m possessed by something because i get random spasms where i hit someone but i didn’t actually hit them, my jaw starts shaking and it happens but i don’t want to hit anyone. i can’t keep going like this I’ve tried running away and the only time i was actually happy is when i had a dog and my mum got rid of her because she wasn’t well behaved. My best friend i only talk to through discord because she’s on a different continent. i cry every day and wonder why i have such a scrubby bullshit life. i lived in a rural area for 5 years with southern accents and got bullied intensely because i didn’t have a southern accent, and because i’m Japanese. they said ” your mom’s a slut you yellow Asian bitch” almost every day. This one kid stole my lunchbox and punched me. funfact: they did this all to me, A GIRL when i was in elementary. i’m in middle school now, it still sucks. at least i don’t smoke, do drugs, and i’m somehow still a virgin. i get cursed every day for stupid reasons, for example, being alive. i’m sorry about the curse words i use in this, if you actually read it. i’m still hanging on to life, i want to become a marine biologist, and i keep trying hard to improve my grades. they are passing grades, but i need good grades. last year of middle school, i really need the grades. I know i can move past mental trauma and make some friends, too.