My Way Back From Hell

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood rape and self-harm.

I’m 15 years old and I’ve had a very rough life. Within my 15 years of living I’ve experienced so many things that no one should have to experience. So I was born in Colorado and I lived there for 5 years. My life was great was pretty great. Then one day, my mom and dad picked me up from school and told me that we were moving to New Mexico, I was so excited about it.

When we moved, everything went downhill. My mom and dad started fighting a lot. There were times when I had to break up fights between them. It started to get physical. I remember one night I was sleeping and I guess they were fighting so my mom called my grandma to come pick her and I up.

So my mom came into my room to wake me up so we could go and right when I woke up my dad came into the room and grabbed my mom by her throat and I screamed at my dad so loud that he let her go.

When I was 6 years old my mom ended up cheating on my dad so they split up, and it hurt me so much. My dad moved back to Colorado and my mom and I stayed in New Mexico.

My mom and I moved in with my great-grandparents. I lost contact with my dad. And my mom started doing drugs. My mom would take off with her friends and I started acting out. By that I mean, I would break her friends car windows, slash their tires, put sugar and coffee in their gas tanks, etc. I was only trying to get my moms attention.

My mom started dating the guy that she cheated on my dad with, his name is xxxx. She had my little sister with him. Then they broke up.

She started doing worse with the drugs. To the point where I was scared for her. So I moved with my dad. But he was also on drugs. I felt so neglected by both of them but when I left my mom I knew how much I had hurt her. I felt so alone with my dad so I called my mom to come pick me up and I moved back with her.

She got pregnant. Then she got back with xxxx. We moved to a small little town. We had a good little life for about a year.

On January 12, 2019 I was drinking and I was raped by my step dad xxxx.

There were so many times when I had thought about attempting suicide because I thought I couldn’t handle the pain. I started cutting because I thought that it was going to help me have control of the pain that I was feeling inside. I felt ALONE. And I thought that it was my fault. But then I realized that attempting suicide was just going to prove that I was weak and that cutting was just me hiding the pain that I felt inside with a different kind of pain that would leave me scars on my body. I realized that God put me in that situation because he knew that I was strong enough to handle it.

The reason I am sharing my story is because I want women/girls who are also going through similar things to know that you are NEVER alone and to never give up. And it’s not your fault.

My mom is now sober for 4 years. And I couldn’t be more proud. We have the best relationship and I am so thankful for her.

*Also my mom didn’t know that he was going to do this so don’t think that it was her fault or anything like that*

If you or someone you know is thinking about attempting suicide call 1-800-273-8255