Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to childhood rape, sexual abuse, suicide and other forms of self-harm.
My Story
My name is Jenna, I am a transgender female. I knew at age 9 1/2 but realized at age 8. I stayed silent for years until 13. At age nine I was harassed online by a group of men, for a month, no one knew. They still haven’t found the people. It was horrible, they made me do horrible things for them. It made me feel so dirty, horrible, used, guilty and anxious. I was basically a target of an online group of predators. It was horrific. Move on a year and I am anxious, scared, alone and depressed, not to mention my gender dysphoria and depression. Once we get to eleven years old, I met my friend R, an online friend. She was the closest thing to a real and relatable friend I met. On a day I messaged her, and saw a post saying she was going to end her life at 4 p.m. I messaged her, told her not to do it, that we loved her so much, but in the end she did it, on 6/1/16. I will forever remember and miss her. I cared and loved and still love her. It left me feeling alone and upset. Depressed and guilty, sad and hurt, anxious and terrified. I blamed myself for her death. Saying “If I would’ve done more, or figure out a way to save her she would be alive, its my fault she is dead”. An overview from 11-14 I lost 14 friends to suicide and helped prevent fifteen suicides. In all I probably dealt with roughly 30 people who felt depressed and helped them out. The last friend I lost to suicide was J, she was on the phone with me as she died, I promised her she would be okay, she called her mom, her mom called an ambulance, but she later died from liver failure. Her last words to me were “I don’t want to die…”. That broke my fucking heart. Ripped it right out. I had a panic attack after that. I will never forget that day. I miss her dearly and love and care about her. So, at 13 I started self harming, It got worse as the days went on, I hurt myself more and more. It got worse. I started having suicide attempts left and right. Missing my friends, feeling an unbearable guilt, anxiety, depression, and pain, I was at the breaking point. I wish it got better, but from there on my parents were arguing and fighting verbally, they would get mad at me and sometimes yell, or get a bit physical, but nothing that isn’t taken care of now. At 14 I was diagnosed with PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive disorder, along with Gender Dysphoria, Reactive attachment disorder, and BPD at 15. From 13-15 I was and still am in treatment facilities I’m still in one. At 14 I was raped by a unknown person at night. It left me feeling dirty, alone, and a great sense of panic, and pain. I felt like it was my fault that I didn’t stop it, but it isn’t. I couldn’t fight the man, I was frozen. I am a survivor. He told me if I yell or scream I would be dead. So I didn’t, I hid it for a year but now I am talking about it and I am working past my trauma’s. Back to the facilities, I am here on my own terms and by my will, I am not going to let the world kick me down, I will fight ’till the day I die. No one can stop me. I am me, and I am worthy. I am a survivor of rape, abuse from ex boyfriends, Girlfriends, and family. I also survived a month of harassment and sexual abuse from men. No one can hold me back. I am a survivor, I am alive and fighting!
THANK YOU!
-Jenna