I am only human after all

Dedication: I want to dedicate this story to my dad because he has been helping me and he was the first one to tell me I am normal.

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains references to sexual assault, suicide and other forms of self-harm.

Recently this whole COVID-19 pandemic has triggered my PTSD. I can’t sleep at night and it’s been hard. I guess I’m here to share what my past did to me. I need to get it off my chest. I guess it is not only my past but present too. Let’s say my life is messed up in some people’s eyes. I am looked at like a freak. I have been abused by my family and in a dating relationship. I have been sexually assaulted by my brother and teacher. I have taken drugs and drank alcohol before to block out my pain. Let me tell you that stuff only made it worse. I have attempted suicide twice.once when I was in forth grade and the second two years ago. Year of 2018. I am fifteen now. I took pills and almost died of liver failure. I went to the hospital. Soon after I went to xxxx Care. When I came back I was fine. I soon started to cut. Not those chicken scratches. Full on cuts that left scares for me to look back on the mistakes I’ve done. I never thought I could trust people again so I only have two not very close friends. No best friends that you would spill your heart out. I met a boy though. We have been talking. I want to tell him my pain and about my past. I haven’t talked to him in awhile because I have no energy to keep a conversation while my past has caught to me in our race. I want to tell him my life and tell him how I feel. I fear if I tell him anything or if he see my scares he will not want to see or talk to me ever again. I have no friends I can run or talk to about this problem. I just want to be a normal girl who can smile with out a mask. Who can laugh without crying. Who can look at things without it being a trigger. I have lots of mental illnesses, that are diagnosed by a doctor, and I don’t know how to live with them. I fear them. I have tried to embrace them and show them proudly but deep down I hide the really painful ones. I don’t know what to do. No sleep. No friends. Can’t talk to a boy I like. Can’t think. No good dreams. Only wants to scream, cry, bleed, and become lost. I’m a freaking crazy person. I know I’m not crazy but when people tell you that you start to believe them. I want to scream at everyone saying “I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM NORMAL! I AM HUMAN DONT TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY!”

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Yes I am only 15 years old and have been through all of this. I want anyone reading this to not make the mistakes I did. You are loved by someone. You will find your time in life to be happy. If your like me your still looking. You’re not alone with your pain. There will always be someone out there with the same pain you can talk with. You just have to believe in the tiny bits of hope so you make it grow into something strong enough to Cary you along in life.