I Am Human.

Trigger warning: Before reading this post, please be aware that it contains a description of childhood sexual assault.

Hey guys, I just found this website. It’s hard seeing how many people have gone through this. Well, let’s get on with my story now.

A couple years back I caught my mom cheating on my dad while he was passed out because of drugs. I never knew at the time that my parents did drugs, so I only thought that my mom made him fall asleep so she could talk to her boyfriend. I was so upset, I cried for a half an hour, yelling at my mother to call my nana so I can leave. Finally, she took me to my nanas house, my family comforted me, telling me they’re here for me whenever and that I can tell them anything. But unfortunately, I’ll never be able to tell them this.

Ever since the incident with my mom, I never visited her family as much as I used to. My cousins often invited me places to go with them but I always rejected them because I didnt wanna talk to or see my mother. One day they invited me to their house for a sleepover and this time I agreed. Everyone was happy for me, finally “moving on” and becoming a family again. I was too, hopeful that nothing bad would happen to break us apart!

At that sleepover, my aunties husband had overdosed on drugs and wasn’t letting anyone in the house. My other Aunty had to take my and my older cousin (12), with her so we could help. At the time they had a fairly large van with a big trunk. The trunk was connected to the car, sorta like a big back seat. So my cousin told me to go back there with him and I complied. Hes always had violent history with me but never sexually, so I didn’t know he’d do this. I was 10 at the time. When we got back there, he started wrestling me and when he got on top of me he choked me. I tried telling him to stop but he wouldn’t, no matter what I did. I tried hitting him, slapping him, threatening him. Nothing worked, so he went to the next step. He took off his belt, staring at me with a disgusting look in his eyes. It scared me, I didn’t know why he looked at me like that. But when he pressed himself against me I felt my heart crush. I was scared, I didn’t know what was happening, I froze. He started trying to touch me and insert into me. But before he could do anything else, we heard my aunties voice, so he redid his belt and got back into his original seat. As for me, I just sat in the back, trying to hold in my tears. My aunty took me back home and the first thing I did was go to my room, silently crying, not comprehending what he did. I knew what sex was, I knew what rape was. I just wasn’t aware of the trauma that came with it. I never went back for a couple years, I became suicidal, trying to end my life with kitchen knifes when my dad wasn’t home. I tried to cut myself, but never had the balls to do it. I knew if I did my dad would eventually find out and tell my whole family. I kept to myself for months, barely talking to anyone. I had little friends and very few family members I kept in touch with. I was suffering from depression, I felt like a whore knowing that I did nothing to stop him. I drowned in self hatred, not thinking anyone liked me because of how insecure I was. I never fit in with anyone.

To this day I haven’t told a soul what really happened in that car as much detail I’d give was that he choked me. My mother found out he choked me and asked my aunty about it, of course my cousin denied it. I was no longer welcome in that house, no one believing me or having trust in me.

I’ve never fully healed, I still strugle with depression, self hatred, and insecurities. But I know now that what that boy did to me is not my fault. I want all of you to know that whatever in your life has happened, it will NEVER be your fault. You’re perfect inside and out, many people love you, just remember to love yourself first. Thank you for reading my story, I love you all, buh-bye. 🌺