Dedication: This is dedicated to the childhood version of myself she deserved better and I allowed better for her. Remember the choice is yours.
I grew up knowing i would be dead before 18.
I grew up in a house full of hatred.
I grew up in an adoptive home where I felt worthless unloved and like a complete burden.
I grew up thinking my parents loved the drugs and the streets more than me.
I grew up a white child living with white adoptive parents who were racist and homophobic.
I lived my whole childhood without plans for a future because I swore I knew my fate as a ratio to my mental illnesses to my abuse and trauma, the CPTSD the bipolar personality disorder and many more labels that don’t even begin to show the depth of the darkness that has been brought pm my whole life.
I was 16 the first time I wanted to live.
I was 16 the first time I ever started a relationship with a girl.
I was 16 the first time I ever started to become hopeful for a future with myself let alone anybody.
I was 17 when my best friend took her life.
I was 17 still using pills as if I didn’t learn any better from my addiction parents.
I was 17 February 15 Sunday 2021 in the psychiatric hospital after my best friend ended her life. I was in foster care I was alone I was hurting I wanted to go too. I was 17 when I was able to get something out of my contraband bag and attempted and almost succeeded in that same very hospital on Valentine’s Day.
My girlfriend’s hoodie string.
My girlfriend’s hoodie sting on Valentine’s Day.
I won’t tell it all because I refuse to give any body details on how to hurt themselves in such dark times as being in the psychiatric hospital but a nurse found me.
I was 17 with nail marks scratches into my hands because of that angel nurse who saved my life.
I was 18 when I signed myself out of foster care after rehab and moving all the way to Arkansas from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania.
I was 18 for a day before I moved back to PA for my girlfriend now ex girlfriend.
I was 18 when I moved to a new town to get away from my emotionally and mentally abusive ex girlfriend.
I was 18 struggling again with everything regarding who I was my whole life shifted and I was using sex as a coping skill.
I was 18 when I meant a 26 year old man who I fell deeply in love with.
I was 18 when I fell deeply in love with a narcissist.
I was 18 when I gave everything to this man. My love, my time, my money, my emotional and mental stability and well being, I gave this man my body my whole damn soul!
I was 19 the first time he broke into my house, crawled through my window while I was asleep and broke my tv and two candles.
I was 19 when he forced me to wear provocative clothing in public to “prove I wasn’t cheating”
I was 19 when he threatened to burn my house down and eat my two cats if I ever got with anybody else.
I was 19 when he told me about how he wanted to keep me in his closet and only take me out to r- me
I was 19 no father no mother
I was 19 suicidal and 2-3 weeks pregnant laying in this man’s bed.
I was 19 laying in his bed after having a conversation about being suicidal.
I was 19 laying in this man’s bed.
I was only 19.
I was only 19 laying in his bed pregnant when he left his Glock on the nightstand beside my head with and extra mag.
I was 19 when he admitted people were watching me and my house for him.
I was 19 and pregnant sitting in the courtroom pregnant fearing my PFA would get denied because just how good he was with crowds and his words.
I was 19 and pregnant staring this man in his eyes as he indeed “proved” I didn’t need a PFA.
I was 19 and pregnant 3 hours away from my house because my PFA got denied and he has my spare house key he stole off my key ring because every night after he broke in I’ve locked every window and checked it twice before sleeping. Every lock, every door, every open spot uncovered by the blankets I had over my windows. I was safe.
But you see here I sit in my new house 21 turning 22 this November. My boyfriend and my son laying beside me. 2025 march it’s a Saturday right now. And idk what it was but it was probably the dog. I sit in the safest place I’ve ever known. And still the very first thing I jump to is that I’m going to die. Someone is going to hurt me.
You see I am 21 I’ve seen a lot I’ve lived through a lot and I should not be here. I survived semi truck accident new years eve last year. But here the thing under all this CPTSD under all this trauma and me being terrified and always fearing the worst, I’ve come to notice a lot. I’m alive I’ve beat every and all odds sent my way. I’ve survived every damn thing I thought would kill me or cause me to take it upon myself. I’ve been raped I’ve been beaten my soul my spirit 100% of who I am or ever was, was stripped and taken away from me. I AM 21! Turing 22 my first attempt was when I was 10.. ten years old?
I’ve lost a lot and I mean a lot. I found myself sitting here angry at those who have never felt like they weren’t going to make it out of a relationship alive because I know a lot of my trauma and fear of being nursed comes from my relationships alone and that’s not counting all the abusive father figures and crazy adoptive mother, it all stems from my pain, my trauma. I don’t realize why I always fear someone is going to hurt me and I don’t even understand the depth of that until the WiFi guy came to our new house to help us fix our WiFi. I was alone with a man who was trying to help me and still I was terrified I was mortified all I kept thinking about was if he were to do something how I would keep my baby alive. He went out of his way for us. My bf was already in his way home so it wasn’t taking that I was alone but it felt like years. With all of this being said I am in therapy, my life isn’t always bad how it used to be. I have BPD so I’m used to black and white thinking but mentally I’m doing better. I’m safe, I’m happy from what I know I’m healthy, I have a family. I wasn’t supposed to be 21 but I have a 10 month old he’s biracial and my boyfriend is African American/ Puerto Rican remember what I came from, remember what you came from and make it your duty to be and do better! There isn’t room for hate in my home or anywhere near it. Don’t let other ppls hatred dim your love.
I won’t say my name but this is my story,
I am 21 I’m alive.
I am 21 I’ve survived every obstacle or traumatic event that has ever happened in my 21 years of life.
I am 21 out of who knows and there will always be more than that to love until there isn’t. Life is short and pain ain’t forever unless you allow it to be. Let me be your reminder that there is more than what you have been offered in life, if you don’t like the hand you have been dealt kick ass until you get better cards because I did and I’m glad I did because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be here today. Just know that you are worthy and you will understand that with time. There is hope and I’m betting on you. I am 21 and 21 isn’t it all. Keep fighting and always remember “to the world you may be just one person but to just one person you may be the world” I love you stay powerful!