I have always had to deal with fear, anxiety, and not feeling safe, because of abuse in my childhood. I finally told my GP in my thirties because it had begun to affect my work and relationships. I was referred to a psychiatrist but all he did was throw pills at me – antidepressants, beta blockers, even benzodiazepines. For the next 20 years I was like a prescription crash test dummy. I was never offered talking therapy.
Finally, in my fifties, I decided I just had to find the money for private, trauma informed, therapy as I was getting no better. So I did and for the first time in my life I was truly heard and understood. Also I was reassured I wasn’t crazy – but that my anxiety etc was a normal response to all the abnormal behaviour I had endured as a child.
A real breakthrough for me was when, after a few years of having therapy once a month, I thought to myself
“EVERYTHING I WANT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR”
and then I asked myself
“How do I get there?”
and I realised that in order not to be fearful, anxious, or worried about my safety,
I HAD TO LEARN TO BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH UNCERTAINTY.
It hasn’t been easy to do, but gradually, and eventually, I’ve learnt to accept that I can let go of the illusion of, and desire for, control because I actually cant control anything – AND INSTEAD embrace the moment, let go of “what ifs” and dare to become comfortable with uncertainty in the knowledge that, either alone or with support I will be able to cope with whatever life throws at me.
Here I am, at 68, living my best life – I’m constantly learning more about living this way because healing takes a lifetime BUT I WANT TO REASSURE YOU that it’s never too late to begin to live a life you love.
~
Photo credit: Images provided by the storyteller.
